one thing i learned last year is that not everything i wanted or planned will be mine, specially if its not meant to be. some things are just not for me. i know that. and i am still trying to accept that fact. and i am still trying to move on.

part of me tells me that i will never love like that again. i will never find another guy like him, and i will never, ever be happy if he's not the one that i'll end up with. part of me still wishes that he might call one day and tell me that he feels the same way. part of me hopes that he will look my way, and see me. see right through me. part of me believes that he will love me too, someday, when the time is right...

the other part of me tells me that i should forget the man of my dreams who is thousands of miles away from me. and that i should give a chance to this man in front of me, who loves me despite of the fact that i do not feel anything for him. the other part of me tells me that this man in front of me is sincere, for he has already proven his feelings for me, in the most astounding ways i have never expected. and this man in front of me has already included me in his future plans. and i don't know if i will break his heart if one day i will say no to him. this man in front of me loves me regardless of my imperfections, and he thinks that i am worthy enough to be called his wife. this man in front of me has no idea tha he is wasting his time on me.

there are a lot of what ifs running through my mind right now. what if the man of my dreams feels the same way for me? what if this whole waiting period will bear fruit someday? what if God is just testing me, testing my patience? what if all of these were bullshit and the man in front of me is the one? what if i say no to this guy and everything good that is supposed to happen to me will all be gone, and i'll end up all alone because of my stupid dreams? what is there's no such thing as falling in love, and people do not really fall for their partners, they just... get together because they have something in common or something? what if?

today is a really melancholy day for me. i don't know if its the effect of 5 marlboro lights with ice cream. but whatever... sometimes reality hits you in the face so hard that you can't shake the thought for days. yes, these thoughts was swimming in my mind for days now... and here's an equally sad song that i have been listening to...

I can't make you love me if you don't...
Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hoursI will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't...


my phone is ringing right now. he's calling. no, not the man miles away, just the man near me. yes, its just him. but what the heck, he loves me. i wish i can return that love too. i wish...