numb

sigh. its 12.30 am right now and im still awake (and its kind of ironic because im supposed to wake up early tommorrow for my biology class). i cant sleep these past few days. i've been thinking a lot of things lately. in front of the people around me, i smile and laugh a lot, but deep inside, i ache and cry. for those of you who already know the real me, you know im good in hiding what i feel. i realised whats the reason why im aching deep inside just this evening. i was in starbucks-taft with my roomates and a common friend. it was the usual coffee session i use to have with friends. you gulp down large amount of caffeine and talk your ass off. you laugh a lot and pretend that everythings okay. but deep inside its not. i decided to go outside to have some smokes. i met this guy, paul. he shared an empty seat with me and my other friend. paul isnt the "ordinary" guy. he's big, he's got earrings and black accessories that matched his equally black outfit. he definitely looked goth to me. anyways, i noticed he was writing something in a journal of some sort. i asked him about it and he said he loves to write. and then the conversation began. he said he keeps an online journal as well, and he's into computers. while i was talking to this guy, i noticed that my friends who are staying inside starbucks are already making fun of me. you know, the kind of "yihee... uuuyyy... si avi kausap yun weird na guy...". i felt sick in my stomach. yeah, i felt sick and ashamed that i decided to go back inside with my superficial world. gah. i realised there are two sides of me. one is the true avi, who doesnt-care-what-others-might-think-as-long-as-im-having-a-great-time, and the other one is the fake avi, who discriminates-people-because-people-told-me-to-do-so. gah. up till now i feel sick for being so... so... fuck! see, i cant even explain it. what is wrong with me?


this incident reminded me of my very good friend ____, whom i just lost recently because of my immature act. i told him i really liked him, and yea, i guess i did. i like him because he has a lot of sense in him even though people see him as this weird guy. and he liked me too, he told me so. but because of a small mistake that he made, and because i was so protective of my "reputation" (huh?), well, i kind of driven him away. and now i dont know what to think. he sent me this letter that made me cry and realise what a jerk i was...


Avi, I'm quite sorry about your reputation. I'm sorry about our dreams. I'm sorry that we turned out this way. I'm sorry that we can't be friends. I'm sorry that you have to live under a teenage label. It's okay that you stereotype me. It's okay that you would hate me. It's okay that you would feel the way you do. I'm sorry if we wouldn't be communicating ever again. It's okay if you wouldn't accept my apologies. I know I was wrong. I hope you understand too that you were wrong in some way. It's okay if you choose not to understand. I'd love you as a friend whatever you would think. Take care of yourself. Goodbye.


after that, he's gone. yes, i guess he's right, i need a lot of growing up to do. im still a child in a lot of ways. and even though people thinks im cool, i am a loser in my own way.


God i miss talking to him.

a very very late entry

This is a very, very late Christmas and New Year entry. ( forgive me, I was too busy and, umm, too lazy?)

Hey everyone! Sorry for not writing anything in here for a long time now. I've been very busy with a lot of things lately. After Christmas break, we're back to school and things have turned to hell. Haha. Nah, that's another exaggeration from me, Avigail the great.
Since this is a VERY late entry about my Christmas and New Year vacation, I'll make this very short and sweet. (wtf? Sweet? Lol..)

Christmas was spent at my Lola's place in Laguna. It was nice to be back in our old house where we (my sister and I) spent our childhood years. And it was nicer to be back to being a kid again. Our Lola took care of us 24/7 and pampered us to the max. Home-cooked meals were always served and we can wake up as late as we want to. But I guess the highlight of our stay in Laguna was our reunion with our childhood pals. We're all in college now, some of us are already in their senior year and some are already working. It was crazy-all of us together, reminiscing the good old days of being a carefree kid. We'd hang out everyday just like the old times, but now we aren't hanging out to play anymore, we'd hang out to talk about life, love, sex, jobs, careers, and everything under the sun (or in our case, under the moon, haha, because we'd start hanging out at around 9pm till dawn) have some smoke (and sometimes some booze too, haha). Man I loved being in Laguna. A big shout to my childhood pals: thank you for making our Christmas an unforgettable one. Christmas would have been so boring if it weren't for your company. We really had a blast didn't we? Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

New year here in the Philippines was supposed to be NOISY. But we had ours quietly (damn, we never had the chance to light up some fireworks!!! The Espiritus were chickens when it comes to fireworks!!!). We moved to Leeann's place Dec 27 to spend the New Year there. It was kind of lonely because there was just Leeann, Joyce, JC, Joy and I at the house. And we ran out of money before Media Noche that's why we ended up eating hotdogs and bread. But you know what touched me the most? Each other's company. From what I observed, even though there were just the five of us at the big house of the Espiritu's, we acted like a family. And that really made it all special. With each other's company, we felt like we were in Abu Dhabi once again. And I have to compliment Leeann's patience on the four of us. Even though we (JC, Joy and I) acted like complete zombies, and even though we kept on bumming around the house, she has always managed to smile and act as though nothing happened. She was like our mother during our stay in their house. Love you bru! Thanks for everything!

I received some pretty nice presents this year, and here are some of them:
A Sony Digital 8 DCR-TRV265E Handy Cam from my mom (this is the biggest and most expensive present I've received this year… I luurrv my momma!), a pair of Birkenstock slippers from my sister (I really needed a new pair of sturdy slippers!), some money from my two grannies, a bunch of pencils and an eraser from Lalaine(duh!), a book, "You Can Be A World Changer" from Leeann and Joyce (I really love this. It's a compilation of 101 famous people who made a big difference in the world. This book will be a good source of information and I could use this someday for some reference when I’m into public speaking again), a long, overseas phone call from _ _ _ (That really, really, really made my night!), a pair of red flip-flops from Dane, a cute Russ stuffed toy from Jam, which I named Cat the Bear-Dog (because I really cant identify him whether he's a cat, a bear or a dog, haha), a super cute dog key chain from Sel, a Philips sound blast earphones from April (I super-duper-mega-over like it!)

Sigh… I still wanted that iPod… Haha. But you know what would have been a great present? My family and I spending Christmas together in Abu Dhabi. That would definitely top all the great presents in the whole world. Well except for the ipod of course. Haha, joke! Happy New Year everyone!!!