sigh. its 12.30 am right now and im still awake (and its kind of ironic because im supposed to wake up early tommorrow for my biology class). i cant sleep these past few days. i've been thinking a lot of things lately. in front of the people around me, i smile and laugh a lot, but deep inside, i ache and cry. for those of you who already know the real me, you know im good in hiding what i feel. i realised whats the reason why im aching deep inside just this evening. i was in starbucks-taft with my roomates and a common friend. it was the usual coffee session i use to have with friends. you gulp down large amount of caffeine and talk your ass off. you laugh a lot and pretend that everythings okay. but deep inside its not. i decided to go outside to have some smokes. i met this guy, paul. he shared an empty seat with me and my other friend. paul isnt the "ordinary" guy. he's big, he's got earrings and black accessories that matched his equally black outfit. he definitely looked goth to me. anyways, i noticed he was writing something in a journal of some sort. i asked him about it and he said he loves to write. and then the conversation began. he said he keeps an online journal as well, and he's into computers. while i was talking to this guy, i noticed that my friends who are staying inside starbucks are already making fun of me. you know, the kind of "yihee... uuuyyy... si avi kausap yun weird na guy...". i felt sick in my stomach. yeah, i felt sick and ashamed that i decided to go back inside with my superficial world. gah. i realised there are two sides of me. one is the true avi, who doesnt-care-what-others-might-think-as-long-as-im-having-a-great-time, and the other one is the fake avi, who discriminates-people-because-people-told-me-to-do-so. gah. up till now i feel sick for being so... so... fuck! see, i cant even explain it. what is wrong with me?
this incident reminded me of my very good friend ____, whom i just lost recently because of my immature act. i told him i really liked him, and yea, i guess i did. i like him because he has a lot of sense in him even though people see him as this weird guy. and he liked me too, he told me so. but because of a small mistake that he made, and because i was so protective of my "reputation" (huh?), well, i kind of driven him away. and now i dont know what to think. he sent me this letter that made me cry and realise what a jerk i was...
Avi, I'm quite sorry about your reputation. I'm sorry about our dreams. I'm sorry that we turned out this way. I'm sorry that we can't be friends. I'm sorry that you have to live under a teenage label. It's okay that you stereotype me. It's okay that you would hate me. It's okay that you would feel the way you do. I'm sorry if we wouldn't be communicating ever again. It's okay if you wouldn't accept my apologies. I know I was wrong. I hope you understand too that you were wrong in some way. It's okay if you choose not to understand. I'd love you as a friend whatever you would think. Take care of yourself. Goodbye.
after that, he's gone. yes, i guess he's right, i need a lot of growing up to do. im still a child in a lot of ways. and even though people thinks im cool, i am a loser in my own way.
God i miss talking to him.
