one thing i learned last year is that not everything i wanted or planned will be mine, specially if its not meant to be. some things are just not for me. i know that. and i am still trying to accept that fact. and i am still trying to move on.

part of me tells me that i will never love like that again. i will never find another guy like him, and i will never, ever be happy if he's not the one that i'll end up with. part of me still wishes that he might call one day and tell me that he feels the same way. part of me hopes that he will look my way, and see me. see right through me. part of me believes that he will love me too, someday, when the time is right...

the other part of me tells me that i should forget the man of my dreams who is thousands of miles away from me. and that i should give a chance to this man in front of me, who loves me despite of the fact that i do not feel anything for him. the other part of me tells me that this man in front of me is sincere, for he has already proven his feelings for me, in the most astounding ways i have never expected. and this man in front of me has already included me in his future plans. and i don't know if i will break his heart if one day i will say no to him. this man in front of me loves me regardless of my imperfections, and he thinks that i am worthy enough to be called his wife. this man in front of me has no idea tha he is wasting his time on me.

there are a lot of what ifs running through my mind right now. what if the man of my dreams feels the same way for me? what if this whole waiting period will bear fruit someday? what if God is just testing me, testing my patience? what if all of these were bullshit and the man in front of me is the one? what if i say no to this guy and everything good that is supposed to happen to me will all be gone, and i'll end up all alone because of my stupid dreams? what is there's no such thing as falling in love, and people do not really fall for their partners, they just... get together because they have something in common or something? what if?

today is a really melancholy day for me. i don't know if its the effect of 5 marlboro lights with ice cream. but whatever... sometimes reality hits you in the face so hard that you can't shake the thought for days. yes, these thoughts was swimming in my mind for days now... and here's an equally sad song that i have been listening to...

I can't make you love me if you don't...
Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hoursI will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't...


my phone is ringing right now. he's calling. no, not the man miles away, just the man near me. yes, its just him. but what the heck, he loves me. i wish i can return that love too. i wish...

happy mother's day

Mothers. Who can live with them, and without them? im pretty sure that all of you will agree with me when i say that they can really be a pain in the ass sometimes. mothers are these paranoid, over-protective, really mushy and sentimental creatures. they torment you with their over-acting rants about how hard it is raising kids. they scrutinize your every act as if they're some guard in the mall looking for illegal stuff in your bag. they over react when an anonymous male calls your phone. they hate it when you go out on a date, specially when they hate the guy. they call you immature and irresponsible when you left the pc still plugged. mothers can really be a pest in the morning, when they drag you out of the bed and disturb your erotic dream about some hot hunk. every mom is a stage mom, they always want their kids to be in the spotlight, to be the star. mothers are really annoying when they ground you. moms always shove these yucky vegetables in your mouth, telling you that these stuff will make you healthier. mothers will never ever let you get away without asking where will you go, what time will you be back and who are you with. moms can label you unhygienic, bum, unorthodox and unethical when you left your socks in your trainers. gah! mothers can really be thrifty. and i think all mothers are profesional "bungagera" when they're mad and provoked.

but you cant help but love them regardless of all the annoying stuff that they do. my mom never fails to amaze me when i remember all the sacrifices that she made for me and my sister. she managed to support us in every aspect, specially when she and my dad had separated. even with her busy schedule, she managed to be there in almost all of our school activities whether it may be big or small. when we moved to Abu dhabi and learned to live with other nationalities, she helped us to be liberated in a positive way, and at the same time, she never forgot to remind us of being a Filipino and raised us the normal pinoy way. when i entered college, she has supported me with the course i wanted to take, and even though i've been to three universities and already took up three different courses, she understood me. she understands that i am going through a stage of self-discovery, and i know that she never left my side. she gave me and my sister these material stuffs that every teenager would want, yet she never spoiled us. when i am here in the philippines and she's back abroad, a day would not pass without a simple hi from her. she stayed with me when i was sick, and she prayed for me when i was lost and confused. but most of all, she believed in me. and i believe that is love.

what my mother and i have, i can never put into words. i can never list all of the good things she has done for me, because it is endless, boundless. i have always put her up in this high pedestal, where i have always looked up on her as my inspiration and strength. she is my hero and i love her, more than words can explain, more than she will ever know.

happy mother's day Ma!