avi's everydays

this year's love

2005-10-16T12:45:00.000+04:00

this year's love-david gray

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So who's to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

la lang.

2005-07-02T19:42:00.000+04:00

i'm back, but not to post some story about the wonderful things thats been happening to me these days, im just here to say that i am still alive and yeah i still use the internet daily. i still read read my friends' blogs and the news. i just dont feel like posting happy events here when there's so much goin on around me. PHILIPPINES IS IN DEEP SHIT RIGHT NOW. well as we all know pinas has been in real deep shit eversince what, the time of the dinasours? okay i am exaggerating. well right now we are economically and politicaly submerged to the ground and it is so low that i, who is probably one of the most "walang pakealam" persons in pinas, can feel the problem in my bones. everyday it is on the TV, newspapers, text messages, conversations with cab drivers and my professors. even the bums on the streets talks about it. it is everywhere. and i cant bear to just sit here and post how happy i am with the guy i am with right now, and pretend that i am living in wonderland. nah. i believe i am old enough to be aware.

i wish the gloria macapagal and susan rocess and their FPJ supporters shit would stop. its getting on my nerves. and my god, its like we are sinking lower and deeper everyday. i am a filipino and even though i hate our situation, i have to accept it and in my own little way, do something about it.

surrendering to the conquerors before would have been a great option. (haha, peace to those nationalists and patriots out there). but really, it would have been way different. philippines have always fought for our independence, but look at us right now, we're all going to different directions, attacking each other and doing nothing to improve our shit. talk about being independent. gah.

wait, i think sinapian ako ng philippine history prof ko. nyaha.

yeah, like i can change pinas right now.

on the other lighter side of life, i am happy. i have lots of new found friends, and of course, future prospects and clients in my career. haha. old friendships that have been put aside was once again revived. academics is pretty rough but im still surviving and having a great time. nightlife has never been this fun(yeah i love being 20!) and this guy beside me loves me. my family's doin great as well. yes, i can say that i am happy.

i am happy but still, there's that empty space in my heart. i don't need to elaborate. you know who you are. i think.

2005-06-01T05:22:00.000+04:00

yesterday my mom left for AUH again. god im miss her already. when we dropped her off in the airport, i hugged her so tight and smelled her essence for the last time again. and its agood thing i was wearing sunglasses, that way she didnt saw me crying. sigh. i wish i could return back with her in AUH... cant wait to see her again.

when i came home from the airport, i went online to ease my loneliness. and its a good thing Jap and Raimond was online too. we had a blast chatting about us being artists (jap will be a culinary art expert one day, raimond will be an animator, and i will be an architect-interior designer, lolz) and we discussed a lot about life, philosophy, confucius and of course, love. haha. and nicole went online too and we reminisced the good old days that we had here in pinas. thanks guys for cheering me up. i swear i felt like i was in AUH again, talkng to you all in our old classroom in PISCO. thanks.

Jap, goodluck with the presentation. Raimond, take your time with the girls, and remember to choose the best because you deserve the best. Nicole, i miss the roadtrips with you and kiwi. and of course our coffee sessions and our spontanous talks. one fine day, all of these will happen again. we'll see each other again, i know we will.

2005-05-30T11:17:00.000+04:00

one thing i learned last year is that not everything i wanted or planned will be mine, specially if its not meant to be. some things are just not for me. i know that. and i am still trying to accept that fact. and i am still trying to move on.

part of me tells me that i will never love like that again. i will never find another guy like him, and i will never, ever be happy if he's not the one that i'll end up with. part of me still wishes that he might call one day and tell me that he feels the same way. part of me hopes that he will look my way, and see me. see right through me. part of me believes that he will love me too, someday, when the time is right...

the other part of me tells me that i should forget the man of my dreams who is thousands of miles away from me. and that i should give a chance to this man in front of me, who loves me despite of the fact that i do not feel anything for him. the other part of me tells me that this man in front of me is sincere, for he has already proven his feelings for me, in the most astounding ways i have never expected. and this man in front of me has already included me in his future plans. and i don't know if i will break his heart if one day i will say no to him. this man in front of me loves me regardless of my imperfections, and he thinks that i am worthy enough to be called his wife. this man in front of me has no idea tha he is wasting his time on me.

there are a lot of what ifs running through my mind right now. what if the man of my dreams feels the same way for me? what if this whole waiting period will bear fruit someday? what if God is just testing me, testing my patience? what if all of these were bullshit and the man in front of me is the one? what if i say no to this guy and everything good that is supposed to happen to me will all be gone, and i'll end up all alone because of my stupid dreams? what is there's no such thing as falling in love, and people do not really fall for their partners, they just... get together because they have something in common or something? what if?

today is a really melancholy day for me. i don't know if its the effect of 5 marlboro lights with ice cream. but whatever... sometimes reality hits you in the face so hard that you can't shake the thought for days. yes, these thoughts was swimming in my mind for days now... and here's an equally sad song that i have been listening to...

I can't make you love me if you don't...
Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hoursI will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't...

my phone is ringing right now. he's calling. no, not the man miles away, just the man near me. yes, its just him. but what the heck, he loves me. i wish i can return that love too. i wish...

happy mother's day

2005-05-08T12:33:00.000+04:00

Mothers. Who can live with them, and without them? im pretty sure that all of you will agree with me when i say that they can really be a pain in the ass sometimes. mothers are these paranoid, over-protective, really mushy and sentimental creatures. they torment you with their over-acting rants about how hard it is raising kids. they scrutinize your every act as if they're some guard in the mall looking for illegal stuff in your bag. they over react when an anonymous male calls your phone. they hate it when you go out on a date, specially when they hate the guy. they call you immature and irresponsible when you left the pc still plugged. mothers can really be a pest in the morning, when they drag you out of the bed and disturb your erotic dream about some hot hunk. every mom is a stage mom, they always want their kids to be in the spotlight, to be the star. mothers are really annoying when they ground you. moms always shove these yucky vegetables in your mouth, telling you that these stuff will make you healthier. mothers will never ever let you get away without asking where will you go, what time will you be back and who are you with. moms can label you unhygienic, bum, unorthodox and unethical when you left your socks in your trainers. gah! mothers can really be thrifty. and i think all mothers are profesional "bungagera" when they're mad and provoked.

but you cant help but love them regardless of all the annoying stuff that they do. my mom never fails to amaze me when i remember all the sacrifices that she made for me and my sister. she managed to support us in every aspect, specially when she and my dad had separated. even with her busy schedule, she managed to be there in almost all of our school activities whether it may be big or small. when we moved to Abu dhabi and learned to live with other nationalities, she helped us to be liberated in a positive way, and at the same time, she never forgot to remind us of being a Filipino and raised us the normal pinoy way. when i entered college, she has supported me with the course i wanted to take, and even though i've been to three universities and already took up three different courses, she understood me. she understands that i am going through a stage of self-discovery, and i know that she never left my side. she gave me and my sister these material stuffs that every teenager would want, yet she never spoiled us. when i am here in the philippines and she's back abroad, a day would not pass without a simple hi from her. she stayed with me when i was sick, and she prayed for me when i was lost and confused. but most of all, she believed in me. and i believe that is love.

what my mother and i have, i can never put into words. i can never list all of the good things she has done for me, because it is endless, boundless. i have always put her up in this high pedestal, where i have always looked up on her as my inspiration and strength. she is my hero and i love her, more than words can explain, more than she will ever know.

happy mother's day Ma!

oldies

2005-04-30T18:21:00.000+04:00

this morning my tita beng cleaned up old photo albums and showed me these awesome pictures of our family. i was so fascinated by some of them that i decided to post it here. its nice to look back at the past and learn your origins. i wish my children will also appreciate my old pictures. haha. maybe they will have a good laugh too, like i did today.

summer gets even better... i am experiencing new things everyday. and i cant wait for my mom to arrive, only 5 days to go and she's here again! yay!

2005-04-30T18:20:00.000+04:00

my mom during a school parade. this is my most fave pic. what a classic provincial scene. and my mom looked awesome in this pic.

2005-04-30T18:17:00.000+04:00

my mom (enlarged image)

2005-04-30T18:14:00.000+04:00

family picture (my mom, my lola, lolo and tita beng)

2005-04-30T18:12:00.000+04:00

my mom and tita beng in luneta park

2005-04-30T18:10:00.000+04:00

lolo and lola in batangas

2005-04-30T18:06:00.000+04:00

tita beng and my mom in bulacan

im back..

2005-04-23T16:12:00.000+04:00

for those of you who thought that i've ran away from civilization, or if i was abducted by aliens from outer space, or if i'm already dead, guys, please. geez, im still alive. i am currently in my tita's place in the beautiful batangas(its a lil bit provincial but a great place to be in specially on vacations). right now i am writing this entry while sitting near the window, admiring the quiet scene outside while the rain gently pours. ahhh. what a perfect day to just sit back and relax, drink home-made Latte, smoke some marlboro lights(my fave cigs), listen to some norah jones or dave matthews band music, read a good book, draw, and of course, write.

i was laughing my ass off when i checked my mail, my message box and my friendster. people were like, "tangina nasan ka na?", "hey avi, where the hell have you been?" and even "avi, buhay ka pa ba?". yes i am still alive, still sane and still the old avi. i am just having a vacation and having the time of my life. the place where i am in right now does not have an internet connection thats why i cant check my mails and post here in my site regularly. but, here i am now. for those of you who insist on knowing where on earth have i been, this entry is for you nosey people. lolz.

during these past few weeks of isolating myself from the internet world, i became attached to the "real" world". you know, i was kind of drawn to the fact of reliving and savouring every moment of my life, instead of writing it all down here for everyone to read. and i think its better that way. i've just finished reading this book called "Life of Pi", by Yann Martel (and thank you, Cielo, for lending me this book). its a book about an indian boy who became the sole human survivor of a shipwreck in the pacific ocean. he was stuck on a little boat together with a hyena, a zebra and a tiger. during those period of cruising in the middle of nowhere, he learned a lot of things in life, specially on survival, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. well i think i can pretty much relate to this story. the world, specially my world, is a non-stop routine of studying, partying, dealing with problems, overcoming problems, travelling and a lot more. and i have discovered some things during these times. firstly, i have discovered that if you will go with the flow and just ride this roller coaster with your eyes closed and your body numb of feeling any emotions because you are so goal-oriented, well, you will never understand how blessed you are for having this very immense opportunity called life. see, some of us are very pre-occupied with our goals, problems, and some earthly shit that we tend to forget that every second of our life should be relished, appreciated and loved. second to this is that we should take time to just sit and have a good conversation with a good friend. i have done a lot of this during my 2nd term, and believe me, it really helps. im glad i have very smart and witty friends in taft... they keep me sane when i feel claustrophobic in my horrifying all-girl uni. haha. im just kidding. but seriously, a chat with a close friend at the end of the day can really help you evaluate your daily life. and a lot of starbucks frap will nicely go with this conversation too. haha. thirdly, i have discovered that everyday in life, you make descisions, whether it may be big or small, YOU have to make it. and when making these descisions, do not be afraid to take chances and most specially do not be afraid to believe in yourself. this really worked for me and i have proven this specially in my academic life. and stay with the positive people who boosts your morale, and listen to those not-so-positive people who sometimes tell you that you are not good enough, make them your inspiration to be better. besides, each and everyone of us is entitled to our own opinions, so when you hear them say negative stuff about you, just tell yourself, "fuck 'em, i dont give a goddamn shit about what theyre saying!!!" haha.

wait, im starting to sound like a self-help and inspirational book here. i better stop this or else you guys will think that i've lost it. haha.

so, for the nosey people who constantly ask whats up in my so-called life, haha.. here are some events that just popped in my head randomly..

- last two weeks of march was pure hell. haha. it was finals week so you can just imagine the papers i have to pass, the plates and floorplans and perspectives i have to design, draw and finish, the brain-melting tests i have to take...gah! hell!!! but its all worth it and when i got my grades and saw that it was aight, i felt satisfied... the hard work was all worth it...
- while in this two weeks of finals, we still managed to party, and this part was heaven. haha. belle(my roomate) and i have met a lot NFF(new found friends...haha) while clubbing in eastwood almost every time we have the money. haha. it was fun. dancing really puts you in a happy mood. ahhh. its nice to be young, you can multi-task a lot... haha...
- last week of march till first week of april, still the celebrating period. haha. and in between these days my sister and i are spending almost every morning in our dental clinic for our braces. shit. and you guys think that those who wear braces are cute? hell, the pain is indescribable! plus, these fucking metals is not just the medication you're gonna get, you still have to undergo series of tests and cleanings and tooth removals if you have any excess. yuck. you know, i think i can survive all of these, what i cant survive is the food deprivation. i cant eat properly with these things stuck in my mouth... sniff..sniff.. i should have listened to my mother when she told me to have the braces years ago... sniff..sniff..
- as you all know, my birthday is april 1st, but because of dental appointments, i moved the celebration on april 2nd. it was a joint celebration with jomai who has the same birthday, we ate dinner in Jack's Loft and then proceeded to Blue O to drink and dance. it was an awesome, casual night with my friends... too bad my high school friends didnt make it. haha. and i kind of liked the idea that it was my birthday, because my phone was ringing with phone calls and text messages non-stop the whole day. hehe, so feeling star naman ako. haha. thanks to those people who remembered my birthday...
- ricky left for the US. enough said. if i will talk more about the details, it will just make me sad... i miss you ricky, and im glad that we had the opportunity to spend some quality time before you left. and by the way, nothing has changed with me. i am still your bestfriend. and i know that you know that...
- second week of april till today... im here in my tita's place in batangas and while waiting for my mom to arrive this may, my sister and i are enjoying the life of a vacationist here. all we do is sleep, eat a lot, attend reunions, weddings, go swimming with cousins and relatives. its like we are on vacation heaven. haha. and its nice to be here and get to know my other relatives whom i dont know, and some of my relatives in the US came here to have the traditional filipino summer vacation. when my mom comes here on may, she said that we're going to the palawan island. wow. that means i get to ride on a ship. man, i cant wait.

this year's summer is great. the sun, the beaches, the boys, the new blossoming relationships*winks*, the food, all those free time to do anything anytime, anywhere, the time you get to spend with family and friends, the new stuff you learn from your new pals, and the old memories you get to share with your old friends... but im not gonna conclude this yet... im still halfway the summer vacation here so im just gonna end this entry with a simple advice, ENJOY LIFE WHILE YOU ARE STILL YOUNG...

PS: well, theres lots of things that are still running around my mind that i want to write and share with you guys, but i have to go now, my stomach is rumbling and i think that i need to go to the bathroom (ewww. avi, why do you need to share these stuff?) i think i ate too much this morning. haha.. but before i go i need to greet and apologize to some of my friends..

ANGELI, i know you are looking for me. here i am. i just wanna say i miss you so much.
NICK, congratulations on your graduation. im proud of you...
NING, congratulations on your graduation! and im sorry i missed your graduation party... i swear bawi ako sayo next time
LALAINE, happy 18th birthday... im sorry i missed your debut thingy... its just that wromg timing yun party mo. i was in a party as well that day... sorry...

yun mga nakalimutan ko... nakalimutan ko talaga e. haha. im beginning to have a short term memory problem like dory. haha. blame it on the summer fever. haha...
this is a pretty long entry... haha...

he's gay...

2005-03-01T14:01:00.000+04:00

on the lighter side of life...

last night while i was hanging out in starbucks, i met this cute guy named Vermont. we shared a single table and eventually, it lead to a spontaneous conversation. he was very nice, super intelligent (he's from UP, taking up a pre-med studies), and he was this perfect gentleman. we talked about everything under the dim lights of starbucks, haha.

after three and a half hours of pure innocent conversation (10.30pm-1.00am), i was beginning to like this guy. i mean, whats not to like? he was near to perfection. and out of nowhere, out of curiousity, i asked him, "you know what, Vermont, you're too good to be true. are you gay?" he said with a kind smile, "yes, i am gay". it was like i was hit with a mallet in the head, and i asked him again, "really? how gay?", he said, "as gay as it gets"...

that moment i wanted to scream. you are alone doing your homework and sipping your vanilla cream, and here comes the perfect guy, and he talks to you, and you both like each other. but he's fucking gay. sigh. will someone stab me in the heart, please? this has happened to me twice. and the second one was really hard to accept. haha. we ended up laughing at each other. la la la! he's gay.

he explained why he's gay. he said that being gay or straight does not make any difference as long as you are happy and you're true to yourself. his exact words were something like this: "you see, avi, im in this psychosphere, the boundary, the line between being gay and being straight, and im basically in the middle. i dont know yet who i want to be but i know right now, right this moment, that i am happy. maybe i still am searching for my true self, but i am contented with what i have today. kung ano yun tinitibok ng puso ko, dun ako. but who knows? i might be straight one day" and he winks at me. my heart melted. damn.

well Vermont, thank you for that very valuable lesson in life. you really made me smile. and made me a little mature. haha. and i pray that tumor in your head gets better. i will see you again in starbucks. it was nice meeting you and thank you for walking with me on my way home.

and yeah, if you want to un-gay yourself, and you need a hot "wham-bham-thank-you-ma'm" (hehe i just copied what you said, haha) one night stand, feel free to call me. i'd be glad to help you out. haha. i know you're laughing your ass off right now. hahaha.

i love being 19. everyday you meet another person who changes your outlook in life. everyday i look forward to new possibilities and opportunities. i know i will be wiser one day, because i am not afraid to take chances, and i am not afraid to try. and most of all, i am not afraid to believe in myself, and stand up for what i believe in.

i wonder who will i meet today... hmmm...

micheal

2005-02-24T05:56:00.000+04:00

my friend Micheal, from DLSU, died last week. i was told by Roan yesterday that she was trying to contact me the other day so i would know this tragic news. Micheal died because of a car accident. Roan said that the car crashed at around 2am, he died around 7am. and i hate myself because i should be crying for a loss of a good friend, but i am not. am i that numb? i should be mourning for my former seatmate who made me laugh, who told me stories about his childhood, who shared the stories he have just read, who was once my inspiration because of his unbelievable intelligence and guts... but i am not crying. i cant feel anything last night. but today i woke up feeling depressed. its only this morning that i felt the sadness, and when i was in the shower, i broke down. sigh. late reaction nanaman ako, kainis.

micheal, wherever you are right now, i just want you to know that i have always appreciated your kindness to me. and that i will never, ever forget you. may you rest in peace my good friend. i'll see you in heaven...

happy hearts day

2005-02-15T06:17:00.000+04:00

i thought was gonna be alone yesterday. ryan and i was supposed to go out on a date but unfortunately he has to attend this rally in his school (their school, Mapua, was raging mad because the managers are planning to change their school name to Malayan. lol. Malayan? wtf?!). its a good thing my roomates, some of them are the members of the "Alpha no Papa" gang was there to enlighten me. we planned to go out on a dinner date at around 8pm. i took a nap when i came back from school and around 6.30pm, Agness called me and said that she wanted to hang out. i said yes, just to kill the time before 8pm. when i came to starbucks, Fred was there, and so was Elijah, the cute chinito guy (woohoo! new prospect! nyahaha! head over heels kami ni Agness sa kanya). lolz. i decided to stay with them and told my roomates that i wont come to the dinner date na lang. haha.

the night turned out to be a wacky foursome date. two guys and two girls. lolz. we interrogated each other (you know, the famous hot seat! haha), ate brownies and sipped vanilla creams in starbucks, smoked a little (Elijah hate smokers, haha, that means he hated the three of us that night. nyahaha). later that night we went to Agness' condo and stayed at the 26th floor, the rooftop, and played dugtong-kanta, sang mushy songs for each other, reminisced about the good old days, star gazed (but unfortunately there were no stars), played the guitar and sang more songs. haha. that was fun. i thought i won't have any date this valentines but yesterday, the heavens are on my side. i went home that night, morning rather, lol, feeling happy and exhausted. it was the funniest and weirdest valentines i've ever had. thanks Elijah, Agness and Fred!

ahhh. the joys and sorrows of being single. haha.

but you know the weird part? i missed celebrating valentines day the mushy way. haha. no need to worry. i bet next year will be really mushy for me. nyahaha. *winks*

happy hearts day to you all!

angeli and doug: congratulations! ayos! 2 years! stay strong! love you guys!

heaven

2005-02-15T06:01:00.000+04:00

i love this song. its called heaven by the Los Lonely Boys (a trio of mexican and santana looking guys who plays the guitar like santana as well. lolz. check them out, they're a grammy nominee this year against usher, alicia and the other pop star airheads)... anyways i think i can very well relate to this song. i feel like i am in this prison, a happy and superficial prison where everyone is laughing, partying and having good time. i feel like im standing somewhere between being happy and being lonely. im not making any sense am i? haha. blame it on my fucking schoolworks. this song is for the people out there who are lost... like me.

Heaven
Save me from this prison
Lord help me get away
Cause only you can save me now
From this misery
Cause I've been lost in my own place
And I'm getting' weary
How far is heaven
And I know I need to change
My ways of livin'
How far is heaven, Lord can you tell me
Cause I've been locked up way too long
In this crazy world, how far is heaven
I just keep on prayin'
Lord Just keep on livin',
how far is heaven
Lord can you tell me, how far is heaven
I just got to know how far, how far is heaven
Lord can you tell me
(translated from Spanish: You that's in a higher place
Send me down a blessing)
Cause I know there's a better place
Than this place I'm livin', how far is heaven
And I just got to have some faith
And just keep on giving, how far is heaven
I just wanna know how far

there you go. another feel-good music... ahhh... thank God for musicians like them... the world is already full of crap, we dont need another pop star bimbo who shakes her ass and pretend that she can sing. gah! enough.

la lang

2005-02-13T12:26:00.000+04:00

okay agness eto na im updating na!! haha. nah. im just gonna drop a short message. the reasons why i am not updating this blog: 1. my schedule is very busy (both academically and umm, nightlify? wtf?), 2. our internet connection was cut and, 3. i've been thinking a lot lately (yeah, right.)

for those of you who reads this blog, well, im gonna update when the time is right. i just want you to know guys that im still alive (very alive) and im enjoying every single moment of my life. one thing i learned these past few weeks: enjoy life because you can never bring back time. enjoy your youth while you still can. and another thing, dont let your "saint-like friends" put you down. (winks at someone). haahahahahaha.

2005-02-13T11:50:00.000+04:00

my wannabe strips. hehe. la lang.

numb

2005-01-17T19:59:00.000+04:00

sigh. its 12.30 am right now and im still awake (and its kind of ironic because im supposed to wake up early tommorrow for my biology class). i cant sleep these past few days. i've been thinking a lot of things lately. in front of the people around me, i smile and laugh a lot, but deep inside, i ache and cry. for those of you who already know the real me, you know im good in hiding what i feel. i realised whats the reason why im aching deep inside just this evening. i was in starbucks-taft with my roomates and a common friend. it was the usual coffee session i use to have with friends. you gulp down large amount of caffeine and talk your ass off. you laugh a lot and pretend that everythings okay. but deep inside its not. i decided to go outside to have some smokes. i met this guy, paul. he shared an empty seat with me and my other friend. paul isnt the "ordinary" guy. he's big, he's got earrings and black accessories that matched his equally black outfit. he definitely looked goth to me. anyways, i noticed he was writing something in a journal of some sort. i asked him about it and he said he loves to write. and then the conversation began. he said he keeps an online journal as well, and he's into computers. while i was talking to this guy, i noticed that my friends who are staying inside starbucks are already making fun of me. you know, the kind of "yihee... uuuyyy... si avi kausap yun weird na guy...". i felt sick in my stomach. yeah, i felt sick and ashamed that i decided to go back inside with my superficial world. gah. i realised there are two sides of me. one is the true avi, who doesnt-care-what-others-might-think-as-long-as-im-having-a-great-time, and the other one is the fake avi, who discriminates-people-because-people-told-me-to-do-so. gah. up till now i feel sick for being so... so... fuck! see, i cant even explain it. what is wrong with me?

this incident reminded me of my very good friend ____, whom i just lost recently because of my immature act. i told him i really liked him, and yea, i guess i did. i like him because he has a lot of sense in him even though people see him as this weird guy. and he liked me too, he told me so. but because of a small mistake that he made, and because i was so protective of my "reputation" (huh?), well, i kind of driven him away. and now i dont know what to think. he sent me this letter that made me cry and realise what a jerk i was...

Avi, I'm quite sorry about your reputation. I'm sorry about our dreams. I'm sorry that we turned out this way. I'm sorry that we can't be friends. I'm sorry that you have to live under a teenage label. It's okay that you stereotype me. It's okay that you would hate me. It's okay that you would feel the way you do. I'm sorry if we wouldn't be communicating ever again. It's okay if you wouldn't accept my apologies. I know I was wrong. I hope you understand too that you were wrong in some way. It's okay if you choose not to understand. I'd love you as a friend whatever you would think. Take care of yourself. Goodbye.

after that, he's gone. yes, i guess he's right, i need a lot of growing up to do. im still a child in a lot of ways. and even though people thinks im cool, i am a loser in my own way.

God i miss talking to him.

a very very late entry

2005-01-16T11:01:00.000+04:00

This is a very, very late Christmas and New Year entry. ( forgive me, I was too busy and, umm, too lazy?)

Hey everyone! Sorry for not writing anything in here for a long time now. I've been very busy with a lot of things lately. After Christmas break, we're back to school and things have turned to hell. Haha. Nah, that's another exaggeration from me, Avigail the great.
Since this is a VERY late entry about my Christmas and New Year vacation, I'll make this very short and sweet. (wtf? Sweet? Lol..)

Christmas was spent at my Lola's place in Laguna. It was nice to be back in our old house where we (my sister and I) spent our childhood years. And it was nicer to be back to being a kid again. Our Lola took care of us 24/7 and pampered us to the max. Home-cooked meals were always served and we can wake up as late as we want to. But I guess the highlight of our stay in Laguna was our reunion with our childhood pals. We're all in college now, some of us are already in their senior year and some are already working. It was crazy-all of us together, reminiscing the good old days of being a carefree kid. We'd hang out everyday just like the old times, but now we aren't hanging out to play anymore, we'd hang out to talk about life, love, sex, jobs, careers, and everything under the sun (or in our case, under the moon, haha, because we'd start hanging out at around 9pm till dawn) have some smoke (and sometimes some booze too, haha). Man I loved being in Laguna. A big shout to my childhood pals: thank you for making our Christmas an unforgettable one. Christmas would have been so boring if it weren't for your company. We really had a blast didn't we? Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

New year here in the Philippines was supposed to be NOISY. But we had ours quietly (damn, we never had the chance to light up some fireworks!!! The Espiritus were chickens when it comes to fireworks!!!). We moved to Leeann's place Dec 27 to spend the New Year there. It was kind of lonely because there was just Leeann, Joyce, JC, Joy and I at the house. And we ran out of money before Media Noche that's why we ended up eating hotdogs and bread. But you know what touched me the most? Each other's company. From what I observed, even though there were just the five of us at the big house of the Espiritu's, we acted like a family. And that really made it all special. With each other's company, we felt like we were in Abu Dhabi once again. And I have to compliment Leeann's patience on the four of us. Even though we (JC, Joy and I) acted like complete zombies, and even though we kept on bumming around the house, she has always managed to smile and act as though nothing happened. She was like our mother during our stay in their house. Love you bru! Thanks for everything!

I received some pretty nice presents this year, and here are some of them:
A Sony Digital 8 DCR-TRV265E Handy Cam from my mom (this is the biggest and most expensive present I've received this year… I luurrv my momma!), a pair of Birkenstock slippers from my sister (I really needed a new pair of sturdy slippers!), some money from my two grannies, a bunch of pencils and an eraser from Lalaine(duh!), a book, "You Can Be A World Changer" from Leeann and Joyce (I really love this. It's a compilation of 101 famous people who made a big difference in the world. This book will be a good source of information and I could use this someday for some reference when I’m into public speaking again), a long, overseas phone call from _ _ _ (That really, really, really made my night!), a pair of red flip-flops from Dane, a cute Russ stuffed toy from Jam, which I named Cat the Bear-Dog (because I really cant identify him whether he's a cat, a bear or a dog, haha), a super cute dog key chain from Sel, a Philips sound blast earphones from April (I super-duper-mega-over like it!)

Sigh… I still wanted that iPod… Haha. But you know what would have been a great present? My family and I spending Christmas together in Abu Dhabi. That would definitely top all the great presents in the whole world. Well except for the ipod of course. Haha, joke! Happy New Year everyone!!!

2004-12-13T00:05:00.000+04:00

drawing session

2004-12-04T13:14:00.000+04:00

im really sick right now. got a nasty cold the other day. maybe because of the weather, or maybe the too much sweets im shoving into my mouth. gah! im sick of being sick!! its the pits!! you cant swallow your food easily and your head spins whenever you stand up to get something... and theres this nasty tissues with sipon everywhere...ugh...but im not gonna deprive myself from eating what i love to eat, thats why im eating a luscious cake together with a very, very cold Mc float right now... har har har!!! tsk tsk tsk... the things you do when you are in your youth... im literally abusing my body... tsk tsk tsk...

i'll think of changing into a better person later, after i finish gulping this Mc float beside me... :-S

underneath

2004-12-03T20:15:00.000+04:00

this song kept playing on my laptop, my ears, my mind... just want to share this with you...

underneath-hanson

Waking up this morning thinking this can't be real... But they say there's nothing love can't heal.. Why don't you come on down so you can feel what I feel? Sitting all alone in this place..

Even though we're here face to face.

There is nothing gone, but there's something wrong..

Can't you see, that I'm stuck here underneath?

and you're making it hard to breathe..

Take a look around and tell me what you see..

You'll find me- underneath.

I know what to say but don't know where to begin. The fear of losing you beneath my skin. Is there resolution for this pain that I'm in...

If only you could feel what I dream. Maybe you could hear what I mean. There is nothing gone But there's something missing ...

2004-12-03T19:17:00.000+04:00

sistaz

2004-12-03T19:02:00.000+04:00

because of absolute boredom, these girls went camera crazy till the wee hours of the night... curse you, yoyong!!!! u turned us into a bunch of loka-loka ladies!!!

2004-12-03T19:00:00.000+04:00

sadako wannabes

2004-12-03T18:59:00.000+04:00

room 108

2004-12-03T18:58:00.000+04:00

work it, baby!

2004-12-03T18:57:00.000+04:00

watch while the strong cess lift the giant choco chip tin!!!! oooooooo!!!!

2004-12-03T18:55:00.000+04:00

whoa! kayang-kaya mo yan ah..

sad storm

2004-12-03T14:42:00.000+04:00

i cant bring myself to open the TV these days. all i see is people suffering from yoyong the storm. it breaks my heart that me and my roomates are all safe here in our luxurious dorm, having a dandy time because classes have been cancelled. oh, did we had a nice time? definitely. thursday afternoon, while bulacan is being drowned by the storm, we are watching a bridget jones diary 2 in robinson's place mall. my mom called from abu dhabi this morning telling me that they went camping since yesterday. seems that we're all enjoying this time, while others are already dying and suffering. i cant see justice in this. my friend told me today that its normal to have people on the other side of the world being happy while people on the other side are suffering. he said that its a balanced situation. all of us cant be happy and sad at the same time. we just have to accept things the way they are. oh well, i have too many problems to solve in my life and i cant add another one. i have to drop this thought, and, accept it...

friends

2004-11-29T19:39:00.000+04:00

if i were to give a theme on what has happened to me these past few days, i'd name it as "old friendships". last saturday, while i was online in MSN messenger, renjie popped into my screen. i said hi, and it turned into a pleasant conversation. for me it was more than pleasant actually... ahhh... it made my day. by afternoon i went out to have a date with my bestfriend. altough we didnt watch a movie like i've anticipated, we had a nice talk over some burgers, fries, donuts and coke floats in McDonalds. that, also added to my already happy day... hay..

sunday morning, i was bored to death and slept like a mummy. i woke up at around 1.30pm. after eating a sloppy burger from burger machine(eeew), i went online. gail popped in and said hi. never knew her that well actually, but i know that i've met her once. next thing i knew we were talking our hearts out. we discussed about deep things like life, studies and our universities, our friends, death and dying and a lot more. i really liked talking to her because everytime we'll open up a new topic, we would always find out that we have the same interests. haha. its kinda freaky but its really, really funny to talk to your own kind (nyuck aliens ba kami? lol..) gail if you're reading this, i must say i really had a nice time talking to you. but my fingers ached like hell because of the continous typing the whole afternoon. haha. and yeah, sure lets meet up one day and hang out in starbucks or something. lets drive each other nuts. battle of the mouths. lol.

last night i was still online at around 2am. adrian was still online too. i was doing nothing important and so was he. i asked him for a cheesy testimonial, and he obeyed and made me one. ha! he made me one alright. he copy-pasted the lyrics of 'she will be loved' by maroon 5. i told him i dont need a very unpersonalized testi. but because he was already sleepy, he told me he'd write one for me in the morning. he left already and i was alone, still wide awake and still hyper. i made a funny testi for adrian to kill the time. it was really foul and funny. i had a good laugh making that testi. but the funniest thing that happened is that when i checked my friendster again, he gave me the exact same testimonial and he just edited some of it so it would be addressed to me. haha.

**************************************************************
loser / biatch / indian giver / super-lazy / egotistic / feeling sexy / frustrated fashionista / trying-hard designer / self-centered / in denial / nerd / fucking kolehiyala and ex-lasallite / too emotional / too manhid / mama's girl / papa's girl / obaob's toy / eats like it's her last meal / sleeps like she's been drugged / drools / can torture you with her non-stop rants about some shallow stuff / dirty young woman / gulps down cheeseburgers and shawarmas fast, with no effort at all / sucker / coward / selfish bastard / uber kuripot

. . . . . . .

she's annoyingly annoying. but i love her tho. why? because there was a time when i really got to know her... the real avi... and even though people say nasty stuff about her, i always remember that night in the cab(remember the deep conversation?) lol.so avi, stay the same. be the loser that i've come to hate and love. after all,we're all a bunch of losers here.hahaha. Take care...and yeah, your friendship means a lot to me, pal (",)

*************************************************************************

(^_^)

that adrian is a smart bastard. he returned back the same testimonial i gave him. hahahaha. this is by far the funniest testimonial i've ever had in my friendster. haha...

sighs

2004-11-26T16:30:00.000+04:00

So much has happened the whole time I wasn't writing here on my online journal. Second semester started just three weeks ago, and school works are already piling up. I thought freehand drawing (my latest major subject) was a piece of cake-and I was damn wrong. It wasn't easy at all. I need to transform my eyes into a great pair of binoculars in order to see the very articulate details of whatever it is that we're supposed to draw. My job being a sister to my not-so-small sister is hard, but hey, I can't run away from that. Philippines is starting to be a Christmas hotspot-they've got lanterns and decorated trees and all kinds of Christmassy stuff around, making me sick to my stomach because of homesickness. I've recently finished Da Vinci Code and it confused the fuck out of me. Don't get me wrong, I loved the book. Its just that... its kind of confusing, and sometimes, convincing. I'm starting to read 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and I'm liking it. And today is our first day of exchanging of gifts here in our dorm room. Sigh, no need to elaborate on the other small stuff. But I have a few insights on some things that happened to me. It may seem shallow but, I'm going to share it anyway...

Recently, I've been watching Alley McBeal. I remember back in high school, I used to watch that soap and it really inspired me. Alley is a great lawyer, and she sometimes uses her heart over logical reasoning. But one thing that she lacks: love. Sure she has lots of dates and guys but she always end up alone in her room. Why? Well, maybe because she is a great example of people with paranoia when it comes to commitments and relationships. And that's what I like about Alley, I can relate to her love problems. She always asks herself, 'when is it going to be my turn?' then instantly she'll remember that she is a goddamn paranoid and she is scared of commitments. Sigh… what a sad, sad woman. And I guess if I continue acting like alley, I'll end up as a sad woman too. Another deep sigh...

I have a guy friend whom I met a couple of months ago when I was in Abu Dhabi. I didn't thought that we'll be able to talk again because we weren't that interested in each other. But fate has its own way, and this time it reached us through Internet. Haha. Pathetic eh? Internet. Nice. Well, we kind of chatted and got to know each other (I think), and we seemed to develop a, crush, or whatever it is that makes us feel giddy when we see each other pop up in MSN messenger. I like him because he is a thinking man, and because he's cute and all. But, sad to say, he has a son. He's only 22 but he said accidents do happen. But whatever. I feel giddy and flighty whenever he pops in my screen. And the funny thing is that we confessed to each other that we dreamt of each other. And the dream was the same. And you might ask what was the dream? Well, it's for me to know and for you to do nothing. I don't even know why the hell I love talking to this guy. He asked me if I am the kind of person who tempts fate. Well, honey, if you're reading this, if I am a person who tempts fate, I would have had a dozen boyfriends now. But seeing that I'm already 19 and still single, well, isn't it obvious that I am a person who has strict principles in life, and I am a woman who will wait for the right guy, in the right place, and at the right time. I am a strong woman with dignity and pride. And I will stick to what I believe in.

Sigh. Sometimes I'm thinking of bending my rules and tempt fate for a change. Maybe I'll not just date a guy this time, maybe I'll give it a shot and have a mushy relationship like other girls do. Maybe I'll even start to like some cute lesbian in my school. Maybe I'll start to appreciate guys who have loved me before, and beg for them to love me again this time. Maybe I’ll even take a flight to Venice, and be with you, and try that kiss you were talking about. Haha. Maybe, maybe.

See all the writings here today? This is a result of too much Alley McBeal show and too much stress my freakin school is giving me. I promise to write more sensible stuff next time...later...

Oh, and while composing this, I'm currently listening to Malaysian tourism music. I missed dancing, touring the emirates and having fun while being paid big, big bucks for it all. Sigh.

This is definitely a sigh-ful entry. Sigh.

wtf?

2004-11-19T08:11:00.000+04:00

woke up late again. accidentally banged my elbows on the bathroom's door. slipped on a shampoo droppings on the shower. shower gel entered my ear and now im feeling a little deaf. still hungry. forgot the password of my tag board account, and now i cant fucking open it. only few money left in my wallet, and my allowance is due till next week. had LBM yesterday. need to try out for the badminton team even if i dont have a clue how it works and how is the proper scoring. havent paid the laundry yet. have a minor headache because of too much sleeping. forgot to watch pimp my ride. bumped on a guy and cursed aloud right to his face-not realising that he is an uber so cute guy and he looked like vaness from F4, fuck, totally blew my chance of meeting him. still need to read a gazillion facts about philippine history and still need to memorize the whole map. grrrrrr...

is this an "annoy-me-till-i-cry" day? or is this another one of those days when you cant do anything perfect?

why do i get the feeling that this will be a long and unhappy day?

(^_^)

2004-11-16T18:42:00.000+04:00

avi, joyce and leeann. the best of friends enjoying the tranquil antipolo... :D

2004-11-16T18:40:00.000+04:00

antipolo at night... uhhh, leean, what is that thing near you? freaky!

great weekend

2004-11-16T17:16:00.000+04:00

so much has happened these past few weeks. and the good thing is that i have been a good girl all week long. yahoo! you know, no gimmicks, no boys, no smoking. man, it feels good to be good. hehe. last thursday, i went to RP with leeann and jc to watch the Incredibles. it was a nice flick, and it has nice morals as well. but i wouldnt recomend it for youngsters. it was too violent and deep. im sure kids wont understand the conversations involving the ships, their powers and a lot more. i guess its a cartoon made for the adults. whatever. i enjoyed it. it was an action cartoon. full of robust scenes. pak-pak-whapack!!

leeann invited me to go to antipolo for a prayer mountain thing. thinking that it was in antipolo and the view is nice(like in tagaytay), of course i said yes. so saturday afternoon, our bags were packed and we're raring to go. the drive was freakin long and we were confined inside like sardines. i remembered we had a hard time moving our knees. oh, wait, we cant even move our knees! man, it was sooo sikip. whoooo. once we got out of the van and saw the view, felt the coldness of the air, we knew that the not-so-nice ride was all worth it. and the best thing is that when u look up to the sky, it was like the stars were a few feet away from you. they looked so near that i think i could touch them right then and there. nice.

i didnt know though that we were supposed to be praying hard and fast really harder. okay i can take the praying part but i can NOT take the fasting part. i cant bear to skip a meal once. lalo na twice. so there i am in the mountain, enjoying God's presence thru the breath-taking nature, but i guess my stomach was not. it was grumbling and demanding for food. oh well. i cant eat because the people around me was fasting as well. they'll probably lock me in a room or something when they caught me eating (haha, i was just exxagerating). well i believe that miracles do happen. i survived the trip and most of all, i felt the presence of God again. i havent been talking to the Big Guy on the heavens for a long time now. and im glad i did because i've realised that theres so much to tell him. monday morning, i went inside on one of the prayer cells there in antipolo to have a private place to pray in and do whatever. at first i didnt know how to start praying-a little ironic because im always used be a prayer leader in my youth group. haha. there i am staring at the white wall and contemplating on what to say to God. i was silent for a couple of minutes, so i decided to lie down on the floor. staring at the ceiling now, i began to recall what i've been doing for the past years--how i've been hurt and how i've hurt the people around me, the lies that i told, the vices that i've acquired, the lustful thoughts, the not-so-nice remarks, the endless swears, the situation im in... there were a lot of stuff that came in my mind that i cried. i cried so hard. i did not prayed like a sorry-assed gal who asks for repentance and for God to save her or something. i just lied there on the floor, talking to him like a friend and like we have a personal relationship or something. i felt like i was pouring out myself to Him and after what seemed like forever, i fell asleep. i was exhausted because of crying. or i guess i was exhausted because i realised what a sinner i was. after an hour and a half of praying, crying and sleeping, i went outside and smelled the fresh air, feeling light as a feather. i was refreshed and i guess my burdens were a lot lighter now. and i didnt even felt that i was hungry anymore. haha.

before we left antipolo, we had a bountiful late-lunch at the cafeteria. burp. delicious pakbet and adobo. *drools*... CONCLUSION: it is up to us to let God in our lives. and i realised that He is a patient God. see, i've been ignoring Him for the past years and still, i know He is not a bit mad (bec im still alive, haha)... and sometimes we need to get away from the city. escape the hurly-burly and all the chaos in our lives and just be somewhere quiet. we need to be still and reflect on with our lives or else we'll all continue to be robots. its fun to go somewhere and admire God's creations once in a while. and when you do, you'll realise your sole purpose here on earth.

i cant say that i have totally changed because we all know that changing isnt overnight. but i had a different look in life. a more positive one. and im glad thet my bestfriend is now smiling (because she's been crying for the past weeks and it just breaks my heart). we all had genuine smiles on our faces, and i think with that, we are helping the world to be a better place to live in, with our own little ways. thank God i have a wonderful family and friends. i know im a better person because of them... love u guys...

a big shout to leeann: when you're down, remember what mr. rabbit(or kangaroo?) said...
joyce: i miss you so much and i just want you to know that im just waiting for you... and im always here...
jc: you are a vain guy, but kewl. take care of your sisters of else...
BOL guys and gals: thanks for being so nice and friendly...

joke joke joke

2004-11-12T14:19:00.000+04:00

joke, joke, joke.

on the lighter side of life, here are some gross but funny jokes selene taught me the other day. nyahahahahha!!!

anong sabi ng utot sa tae?
"pare, una muna ko"
anong sabi ng tae sa kapwa tae?
"pare walang tulakan!!"
anong sabi ng sipon sa kulangot?
"manigas ka dyan!"
anong mas matibay? pwet o ngipin?
PWET. baket? ang pwet kayang pumutol ng tae.
ikaw nga putulin mo tae gamit ngipin mo, kaya ba?

nyahahahahahahahahahahahhahah. la lang.

rain, rain, go away.

2004-11-11T05:59:00.000+04:00

this is a perfect time to melodramatically rant about my day. its raining hard outside. high school students here in st. scho are supposed to be having their intramurals and for starters, their field dance or demo or whatever it is that they're doing were instantly stopped because the rain just poured in without any prior notice. tsk tsk tsk. poor higschools. all those weeks of bloody and sweaty practice has just gone down to the drain. curse you mother nature. you did it again. you drenched all these young girls' day. shame on you! beh!

anyways, this morning i was not able to attend my biology class. if you think that i didnt wake up again on time, well, you are damn wrong. i woke up on time, had a shower and even had a breakfast. on my way to school, i suddenly felt a nasty grumble in my tummy. and with no other options, i headed back to my dorm and, you know, shit the shit out of me. nyuuuck. its a good thing my class didnt have a test or something. whoooo. its feels good to shit when your really wanted and really needed(badly) to shit... haaaayyy.. these are the simple joys of life. its a total bliss. haha..(im getting a little disgusting here.. eeeew.) gotta stop this shit talk or else no one will read my blogs anymore. haha!

this morning, after 3 days of uber so cold treatment from my sister(we had a fight 3 days ago), she finally talked to me. before she left for school, she paused at the door and said "avi, may blueberry cheesecake sa ref. sayo na lang."... well, there was no formal sorry's or apologies. just those simple words meant that we're okay again. thank God. hay, sisters will be sisters. haha.

oh, and before i go, i just want to discuss about what my classmates were talking about this morning. they were talking about lesbianism. and i was a little shock when i found out that some of my classmates whom i've known to be girly-girls are bisexuals and lesbians as well. i DO NOT hate lesbians and gays. its just that i cant grasp the idea of having a mutual relationship with the same sex. what's wrong with being straight?? maybe they don't know the feeling of being courted, and lalo na, the feeling of dating a guy. we girls are blessed because we are meant to be loved and protected and cared for by the guys, and i just dont get it why some others will trade it all just to be a man. i am currently living and studying in an all-girl community, and sometimes its sickening to discuss this matter with them. because they wont even listen-and care. well, that's their life and i respect them for who they are. this morning when they are discussing about their "crushes", i just left them and told them that i was going to the cyber nook. cant stand the idea talking about this issue again. gah. respect. respect each and everyone here. yep.

la lang

2004-11-10T08:11:00.000+04:00

im beginning to be like mr. grinch these past few days. i think im starting to despise chrsitmas...

im a christmas person in every aspect-i love giving gifts, making the tree, preparing for the festivities, going to church and do the simbang gabi thing, etc, etc. but now christmas season is approaching and i find myself hating evey minute of it. i guess its because my sister and i will be here all alone in pinas, away from our family and the country that we loved so much. i cant bear to stay with my titas and titos because it will just remind me how a family celebrates christmas. i've done it for the past 2 years and believe me-its hurts like hell. you see them in front of you, hugging and kissing and exchanging gifts. and all you got is a very unpersonalized gift from them(say a box of panty that you dont even like and worse, it doesnt fit you at all) and an emotional call from your family from abroad. ugh. i feel like annie from "annie the musical". see, she's an orphan who wishes that someday, someone will appear on the orphanage door and claim her and take her home. well lucky for her, someone did. (way too lucky pa nga because the man who claimed her was filthy rich. not to mention that he's also loving and caring. a real parent material). anyways im beginning to be annoyingly pathetic. and way too dramatic. i miss my family! sob.. sob.. sob...

i have decided to spend this coming christmas with my bestfriend leeann and jc and joyce (who on the other hand, are also lone drifters like us, they will also spend a parentless christmas here in pinas). since we will all be stuck here, aba, might as well enjoy it. i just hope we wont cry together on christmas eve. hay.

so much for the chrsitmas talk, its still freakin november for heaven's sake!!! right now my thoughts are diverted to my next class: phil history. i have to meet again that scary professor i was talking about on my last blog. last time she gave us an assignment to read chapter 1 of our book. i was shit scared that i think i overdid it. i read it like 4 times. gah!! puta... okay i have to go now and contemplate about my latest seating position. i have to think where to sit best so that i can hide from her cold and piercing look. yikes!!!! i hope she wont call me and ask questions... please Lord, let me be invisible in phil history class today... huhu... que horror...

later, blog...

yikes!

2004-11-05T11:04:00.000+04:00

today is the second day of the first week of my 2nd semester. cards have been arranged, subjects have been scheduled, classmates are still the same old people that i've been with last sem. everything is normal. so far so good. until now.

1.30 pm. room H301. the subject is philippine history. then i have met the the most terrifying professor of my life. Ms. Cucio. a chinita kind of woman, but with little amazona features-strong arms, small but piercing eyes, and my God, the deep, loud voice of her is... i cant explain... all i know is that she scared the fuck out of me. her conviction in teaching philippine history is beyond imagination (she studied in UP and had her masters in new zealand. hmmm. intelligent and rich. not a bad combination.) and i can picture myself now peeing in my pants when the day comes that i cant answer her questions. but, there is something about this prof. some part of my brain tells me that she is good, and she will mentally challenge me. well, finally. this will be a break from the funny and eccentric and artistic profs i've had last semester. call me weird but i think i'll like her and the subject... it is now time for me to transform from the avi-the-pinas-hater to the avi-the-patriot.

so much for the first week. now its friday and usually i'll be partying later this evening. but now that my sister is living with me, i have to set an "ate" example. i have to be nice-nice. so now i have to leave and bring the laundry to the laundry shop, and head to my bestfriend's place in cavite and have a quiet weekend with them. or not. haha. i'll be bringing my malaysian tour CD and we'll reminisce the good old days when we were paid to dance professionally in malaysian tourism. i think we'll have a blast dancing sarawak, portugese, chinese and some other dances... oh, and our favorite; malaysia truly asia dance. nyahaha!

catch u later bloggie spottie..

another great man died today...

2004-11-03T16:49:00.000+04:00

another great man died yesterday. he is sheikh zayed bin sultan al nahyan. he was the president, or in the emirate's monarchial case, he was the king. and a very kind king i'll say. he is known to be a great father and a very generous person. just think, UAE is one of the most richest country in the world, and his government doesn't even ask for a measly cent of tax from the rising number of expats like us. and i know that he is known to have lots of adopted sons and daughters whom he generously supplies financial fees, specially education fees. and i know that he is also a religious man (of course, he's a muslim). even though UAE has been a mix-match of races and beliefs and religions for the past 20 years, still, it remained a "muslim country". the list of the good things about zayed will continue but i have to cut it short. i know that he will be remembered not for the massive oil production his country is known of, nor the great cities and buildings that arose through an unbelievable short period of time. he will be remembered as a wise king. a wise king that even though he is still clinging to the very conserative muslim way, he is still liberated in a lot of way-because he embraced expats like us, and gave us the opportunity to earn and have a good and peaceful life. i hope that his death will not change the rules that he has established. and i pray that whoever will takeover the king's throne will be as kind and as merciful as the king himself. may his soul rest in peace. we will miss you, sheikh zayed bin sultan al nahyan.

yesterday i was whining and ranting nonstop about 2nd semester. i was raging like crazy and talking like it was the worst problem of my life. tonight, while i was contemplating on sheikh zayed's death, i thought, wow, there are greater problems in this world indeed. other expats could lose their job, or even worse, all of the expats could be kicked off the emirates (because some of zayed's sons are known to hate expats and wants the country to be an all-muslim country only). i wish everything will turn out to be okay. Lord, i lift all of this tou your hands. i know there was a reason for this and i know that this is just another test for all of us...

now its 9.30pm and i have to go home and sleep. i need to wake up early tomorrow and go to school with a smile on my face, because i've just realised that im blessed because im still alive, and that spending 8 hours in school wouldnt hurt. till my next blog! (",)

sem sem sembreak.

2004-11-02T17:25:00.001+04:00

i can say that my sem break has been a wholesome one. i've been to some really cool parties, spent time with my family specially my mom and sister, been able to babysit some of my baby cousins with a genuine smile on my face, been a total slave of my lola (utos jan, utos dun), been able to find a new template for my poor blog site, been a gardener, been able to sleep till 11.30 am (yipee!), been able to eat rice and lots of deliciously sinful home-made ulams five times a day (not to mention the meriendas), been able to quit smoking-thanks to the watchful eyes of my mother, been able to have bonding dates with my sister, been able to have quiet afternoons to read some really good books--then snooze after 4 pages, been able to miss my bestfriends, been able to have a normal sunday morning where families go to church together, been able to watch some really horrific flicks on the tv, been able to go to the cemetery and visit my dead relatives (although it scared the fuck out of me), been able to have a great time-even though i assumed that i will have the most boring sem break of my life..

anyways, here i am back to reality again. one more day and its college life again. this morning we woke up at around 4 am to pack our stuff because wmy sister and i are going to be dropped off at our dorm here in manila. an early start huh? and this day is really a sad one for me because this is the same day where my mom and lola will go back to abu dhabi. its a good thing that i didnt go with them to the airport. im sure i will just cry like a baby. instead of sulking around, i diverted my sadness into a positive one. i transformed into a super ate and i worked mircales! i cleaned our room, made the beds, shopped like crazy, arranged the foods, arranged the schedule. hay. now i have a sore back and a broke wallet. haha. so much for being the "ate". hay. the only consolation that i got today is that my mom sent me a message that she loves me very much ( we had a really emotional fight the other day and this txt really lifted my spirits), and the other one is that i bought a new bag. yaaaa-hoo. oh, and i saw white chicks today in greenbelt with my sister. haha. funny flick. the P100 was not wasted. lol..

oh.. im sure im gonna miss the carefree ol' days of sem break. hay. well, got to grow up now. avi, snap out of it. wake up. you have a sister to take care of and you have a life to continue. you will go to school on thursday and you will smile at your classmates and tell them you missed them and you will write diligently on your notebook. you will listen to your profs and you will do your homeworks on time. you will eat your usual luch at school-which is pepperoni pizza and red tea and you will eat your usual dinner which is salisbury steak and sisig. you will watch your usual soaps on tv which is hiram and it might be you. you will go to some gimmickan if you have the time (and money). and you will do this routine and patiently wait for christmas break where you will be free from this living nightmare. you will soon be eating hamon and cheese and some wine and will be opening presents under the chirstmas tree.. avi... you will survive this again till the next break.. hold on and stay alive..

crap. oh well, for those of you who read this blog, well, bite me. haha. forgive me for being like this. im just having a hard time accepting that we will be going to school again. hay.

sem sem sembreak.

2004-11-02T17:25:00.000+04:00

a car-crash. i mean, a jeepney-crash pala...

2004-10-19T18:03:00.000+04:00

just last week, my mom and my sister and I were on a jeepney, on our way home to my lola's place in batanagas. we were just sitting silently, contentedly and a little sleepy like most of the passengers that quiet afternoon when suddenly there was a loud bang and a very powerful brake that awakened the hell out of us. half of the passengers went flying forward ( dami nasubsob, tsk tsk ) and its a good thing that we three had a good grip at the bakals or hawakans or whatever it is. its also a good thing that nobody got hurt but everyone was shit scared and shocked. including me. and not because of the reality that the jeepney crashed, but the thought of my mom and sister dying. thank God nothing happned to us. still shaking, we all transfered to the other jeepneys that are scattered and waiting nearby, with the drivers grinning greedily because they can easily and effortlessly fish all the passengers ( selfish assholes! tangina nio di nio manlang tinulungan yun nagbangaan na jeep! mga hayup! ) thank God that all went well that day and we all had a pretty exciting experience to cherish. an experience that has taught us that God hears and answers prayers, no matter how short or long they are. a quick and short "Lord-help!" will do, as long as you mean it.

later that evening i was still lying awake at around 11.30pm. i was still thinking about that incident and i realized something. if my mom, sis and i died that day, for me, it would be okay i guess. because that way we would all be together in heaven. and i know that we three cant leave each other behind and we cant bear if one of us was gone. oh my God what on earth am i saying??!!! geez, talking about death and dying is giving me the creeps. nyikes!

i wonder if the people i know will miss me when im gone? oi bwisit yan nanaman death and dying ulit..!! okay im gonna go now and cut this crap! later...

unbelievable week

2004-10-13T11:15:00.000+04:00

yep, my week has been a crazy one. so crazy and so fast-paced that i dont even remember every detail of it. all i could remember was that i was making plates and floorplans non-stop at night and i was sleeping every minute i can in the morning. when i have spare time in the afternoon i go out with friends and watch a movie and eat and eat and eat. last week i saw two films; shark tale and wimbledon. and im glad the pay's worth it. they're both good movies. oh, yeah and i slept over at jomai's condo and we spent almost 500 pesos worth of food and ate it all night-resulting to a fat tummy and a bad breathe in the morning. all my projects and final tests are done and im supposed to be running to and fro, jumping and screaming my ass off because of happiness and relief that its finally sem break. but im not... i feel weird... ugh.

A phone call from Ralph that awakened me. Literally.

2004-10-03T17:52:00.000+04:00

those of you who already know the "real" me, knows that when im asleep, its like im in a deep commatose. this morning, it was already 11.45 and i was still asleep. and not just laying there in my bed normally, im totally deeply asleep that i didnt even felt that half of my body was already dangling at the side of the bed. well its okay and it happens to all of us. but i'm on a freakin bunk bed and i was at the top!!! man, i was in the brink of falling and crushing my bones. then i recieved a long-distance call from ralph. after 8 rings i found my phone which was buried somewhere in my comforter. he was so sweet and he said that he just called to say hi and check if im okay. thanks to him i woke up and notice the dangerous situation im in. haha. so ralph if you're reading this, i just want to thank you for saving me from falling from my bed. you are my morning hero. haha. and hey, i missed you and other guys back there in abu dhabi. thanks for calling!

its true that God won't leave you in times of trouble. He sends angels to protect us from harm. this morning, he did sent me an angel, through a phonecall from an old friend. haha. it turned out to be a dandy day. cheers!

Government Warning: Multi-tasking is dangerous to your health. Multi-task moderately, or else you'll go crazy. Like me.

2004-10-02T16:39:00.000+04:00

sigh. i've been multi-tasking my ass these past few days: i have been floorplanning for the finals requirement in interior design, been stressing about my fucking permit card, been making a one-bedroom model required for my mechanical drawing for the finals again, been running to and fro inside my uni because of some unfinished business, been eating too much junk food namely burgers and peanut m&ms, been sleeping late and waking up LATER than ever, being hated by my professors because of my imperfect tardiness, been doing some drafts and essays for my com arts just to find out that it was rejected and i have to fucking rewrite it again, been wasting my money because of the endless print outs, been missing some really hot gimmick oppportunities because i have to stay home and finish my projects, been smoking a lot and i mean: a lot, haaaaayyyy... been totally wasted. and tired.

lintik... talaga naman... the things you do when you're a college student. you have to die before you get your final grades. why does it have to be this way? are they really plannning to murder us? is this the training we are doing for our future jobs and careers? now i know why some people end up being farmers and construction workers: they cant stand the so-called "college life"... oh well, i have to go now and continue my projects... and nga pala, to go back to reality and be a college slave again...

Lord give me strength... may i survive this phase of my life where i am literally tired...

oh sem break, sem break... i long for you to come and enlighten me and save me from my misery... i will wait for you no matter what...i will wait...

chikahan marathon with fred

2004-09-29T17:22:00.000+04:00

after i got off from school today at around 12.30pm, i went to red ribbon's bakery to meet up with fred and have lunch with him. that's what i planned: lunch. but of course, knowing fred, it didnt end up as i have planned. it became a chikahan marathon. yeba! nonstop talk about life in general, chika about other people we know, news about our own schools, politics, philippine's tragic situation, philippine's tragic tragedy, philippine's art appreciation, kabulakbulan at gimikan, spirituality.. aaaaaagggh!!! i could go on forever! man, both my stomach and my mind was stuffed! that was a pretty good chat! and this time, we werent drinking coffee or fraps in strabucks or seattle's best coffee, we were eating salisbury steaks, pancit, and heavy rocky road and cheese cakes! urp! a big shout out to fred: hey, i had a great time! hahahhaha. lintik na ulan yun no? dapat more chika pa tau but the fucking rain is forever unpredictable, it ruined our plan to have some smokes and more kwentuhans!! curse you mother nature!!! oh well, there'll be another time diba?

hay. and i thought i was the only one who misses abu dhabi. fred doesnt like to admit it but with the way he talks, i know he does. we were a little nostalgic kanina, but knowing men and their stupid "oh-we-are-men-and-we-are-not-emotional" thing, of course he denies it. BUT YOU ARE NOSTALGIC kanina. har har har. and take my advice fred: be emotional. sometimes it helps. doesnt matter if you're a gal or a guy. what matters is that you are a human, and you have the capability to feel. so go on and tell adrian you miss him. even though he's a real prick and all that, always rememebr that you guys are the best of friends. and please arrange a date for the three of us, so we can have that mind-blowing coffee and intellectual session again. cant wait na pare.

later this evening, rachel(my roomate) and i had our dinner at a small restaurant near our dorm. there were old music that was playing on the radio and they played "365 days". i remembered back in senior high, when we used to wonder what college life would be like for all of us. we were so naive. and i cant believe that im already in this "college life"... it was like i can see myself back then, dreaming of where to study and what course to take. i suddenly felt a tug on my heart, and i was teary already. its a good thing rachel didnt notice me. it was hard to fight back tears. God, i miss high school. and i believe its okay to feel that way and be emotional sometimes. i am human. and most of all, i am a woman.. bru, joyce, sarah, angeli and the rest of the guys: i miss all of you.. i hope that you're all doing fine...

till my next blog...

2004-09-28T17:19:00.000+04:00

speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil. the pipi-bingi-bulga trio. nyahaha

2004-09-28T17:15:00.000+04:00

smile pa rin even though my hair looks like a mop already. oh well, the hell with my hair, gnyan mga dialogue ng mga haggard at toxic. nyahahaha

2004-09-28T17:11:00.000+04:00

me and my clasmates at st. scholastica's college

2004-09-28T17:10:00.000+04:00

avi and joy

my friend piggy

2004-09-26T16:30:00.000+04:00

last friday, sept 24, i went to batangas to get some money from my mom's bank and to meet my sister and take her out to a lunch date. anyways la naman talagang nagyari masyado saken, except that on our way to the bus station, these unhappy, dirty, bitter and dangerous beggars bombarded us with their nakakabinging "ate penge pera" shit. my heart is soft when it comes to the poor people but i have learned my lessons well. they are not my problem, and my first concern should be my safety. so when i gave the smallest and the youngest beggar some coins, i refrained from giving the others already. baka members pa sila ng sindikato or something. anyways... heres the story of my friend piggy...

on my way to manila, when we reached the exit of batangas proper, heavy traffic was already beginning to happen. i was sitting at the front row and i can perfectly see the view. in front of us was an open truck with blue bars on it. inside of the truck were big pigs squeezed in tightly. it was so congested that some of them are already on top of each other, and some of them has their feet dangling outside the bars. poor pigs. here i am whining about the traffic inside an airconditioned bus, and those pigs are so uncomfortably jam-packed in there together as if they're already dead. ok, you may say that im too emotional about little stuff like this, or you may say that they're only pigs and that they will be killed and eaten anyway. but, i really felt sorry for them. there was this particular pig that was facing my direction. i named her miss piggy. she has this sweet and calm face that she really touched my heart. and i think she was staring at me. the bus i was into was trailing the truck for like 45 minutes because the cars arent moving because of the traffic, and that whole 45 min, the pig and i was staring at each other. or not. i dont know if pigs care about what they see, but all i know is that miss piggy was staring at me and i think that we made a connection. the moment our bus turned left, i saw miss piggy switched positions as well, and all i can see was her pink ass... in my mind, i said goodbye to my friend who kept me interested for the past 45 min, and uttered a small prayer that may the butcher give her a nice clean death, and that she wont feel any pain, and that she may go to pig's heaven...

maybe its true that we are all connected here in this world. whether you are a human, an animal or any kind of life form, i know each and everyone of us has a soul. because if we dont, we wont feel this compassion in our hearts that we are feeling for each other. i bid farewell to my friend piggy. may she rest in peace.

this morning when i woke up, i ate pork chops. i wondered if it was miss piggy? because if it was her, i want her to know that she made a really fine porkchop, and that she was delicious. what the hell am i saying?!?

im a slave for you

2004-09-21T09:54:00.000+04:00

today i worked for the students assistance office in our school because of detention matters (and ang babaw ng reason ng detention ko: wearing civilian clothes. duh. i've no freakin classes and its already 5pm for spongebob's sake! leche) anyways, im expecting to be assigned in the canteen or in the school bookstore but sabi nila in this office nga. and my my my, looks can b decieving. this said office looks like a very organized, cozy and calm place to work on and i really felt happy and really looked forward t going here. but, when i saw the work load that was given to me, i just wanna die right there and right that moment. it was a pile of papers that seemed to be rotting already because of prolonged storage. and what the hell am i gonna do with those papers? well i have to sort them. easy huh? i thought so too. but then sabi nung lintik na secretary, sort them according to dates, alphabetical order, organization order etc ect etc. so there i am, looking like a complete idiot, swimming through that sea of papers and working my ass off. hay. have to do this for 3 hours. time passed and the super amazing avi finished the work for a short period of time. guess what? i still have to work. and what did i do next? i arranged another pile of papers, carried 15 bottles of mineral water from the canteen back to the office(they ordered water and there's no one to deliver it so, they asked me to do it), arranged some cards that was lying on the desks, accompanied the head-discipline officer's daughter to buy a notebook and to babysit her as well. that last one was really tiring. you have to talk to this girl and catch up on her running(she was 6yrs old).. when we came back to the office, i was still catching my breath because of exhaustion, this motherf***in secretary told me to go get another 10 bottles in the canteen. i was like "huh?? e mam, time ko na po ah? lagpas na ko ng 20 min sa working time ko" and she was like "oh? o sige kumuha ka muna ng mineral bottles"... i just wanna knock her lights off, screw her head, pull out her heart and feed it to the dogs outside. lintik napaka cruel ng puta. well of course i came back to my senses and remembered that i can not do that. so i politely responded and brought her the 10 freakin mineral bottles. while signing the logbook, i was looking at her direction. she was talking on the phone and i was thinking of strangling her with the phone's cord. hhhhaaaaaay she's ruining my mood!!! i had a really nice spiritual weeken with the Lord and i promised myself that i wouldnt be affected by people like that. but in every rule there is an exception!!! and i swear i wanna break that rule that moment!!!!! ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrr

today i've just experienced the joys and sorrows of being a slave. cant wait to be home and sleep.

till my next blog... :-(

reading the ALCHEMIST by Paulo Coelho

2004-09-20T17:34:00.000+04:00

last weekend, i've just read one of the most beautifully written books on earth. and there are really note-worthy quotes, sayings, insights and lessons that i've read. one of my faves was santiago's definition of love... and im gonna share this with you...

"Love. it was the pure language of the world. it required no explanations, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. what the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and with that, with no need for words, she recognizes the same thing. he was more certain of it than anything in the world. he had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really get to know a person before becoming committed. but maybe who felt that way had never learned the universal language. because, when you know that language, it is easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether its in the middle of the desert or in some great city. and when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past an the future become unimportant. there is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun is written by one hand only. it is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning."

nice eh? well of course nothing can beat the definition of love in the bible written on the book of corinthians. but paulo coelho's definition is really something else... it was written simply yet deeply. so deep it touches hearts... it touched mine...(",)

a spiritual weekend

2004-09-20T16:26:00.000+04:00

last friday, sept 15, i was still in school that afternoon and calls are already overflowing. some of my gimmick buddies are already searching for people to drag in the hottest gimmikan spots in manila to party. and i mean p-a-r-t-y. i perfectly know what will happen: we are gonna be dancing all night till our bodies drop in exhaustion, or even worse, get drunk till you barf your own pants. and i also know what will happen the next morning: you will wake up later than ever, with a nasty hangover and a stinkin breath. not to mention a badly hurt wallet. haha. so pathetic. i dont know why the hell i love doing it. but last friday i feel like i needed a quiet weekend. so i called my best friend leeann.

leeann never ever lets me down. i've only sent her a text message that i'll be coming to her place to sleepover, and i could almost feel her loving arms stretched wide open, ready to embrace me, and welcome me home. we planned to meet in UP, so we could both commute to her place since she was still in manila. and the moment we saw each other, it was nonstop chika all the way to her place. the traffic that i used to hate and curse and despise became bearable..and thats because i was talking to someone worth-talking to. anyways... i know in my heart i will have a great time with leeann, jc and joyce. but i didnt expect that i would have the greatest weekend of my life(ummm, di naman, basta this was the best i've had in months..). i wont elaborate on this because its kinda private but dang! really really had a great time.. basta, it was a quiet weekend, just the four of us at the house, i've read a good book(the alchemist by paulo coelho), had a couple of nice meals with merienda, nice long talks, nice long arguments and debate with jc, a tranquil foodtripping at the Soul Shop( a christian cafe. u better check it out and get some really nice banana cake, watch some taekwando pratices, watch some children roam around, drink bottomless sweet teas, or simply be there and feel God's presence. plus its near the church so why not drop by God's crib and pray? oh, remember to bring a good friend along for some company. ;-) ) before i went home to manila, i went with leeann and joyce to the church to hear some "sermon"... and as usual, tinamaan kami ng sobra sa mgs sinabi ni pastor. there are lots of sermon that i can really relate to but the most significant one is that he told us if we are living the real christian way? and if we claim that we are, are we doing something about it? hmmm, that really hit me right on the heart alright...

my finals in shool are already coming, and work loads and plates are really piling up. but i guess i'll get through it... i've just ha a strength-reviving weekend... and im not refering to physical strength... its my inside that really enjoyed this weekend... thanks leeann...and God...(",)

2004-09-19T10:07:00.000+04:00

bestfriends at SoulShop..

2004-09-19T10:05:00.000+04:00

at the Soul Shop...

totally broke

2004-09-17T06:40:00.000+04:00

its only the 17th of the month and i've already spent my money ( a total of 13k!) at san ko naman ginastos? don't ask. anyways, here i am with 20 pesos in my pocket, and its a good thing internet here in our school is free during computer classes. whew. at ang lintik na atm machine ndi gumagana. bwisit. sometimes im ashamed with the way we kids spend our money nowadays. oi teka lang, it isn't our money nga e, its our parent's money. haha. we act like we are the ones who's earning it. man i cant wait to have a job and spend my own money. haaaaayyy, isnt it ironic when i always say that i cant wait to have a job of my own when i cant even bear the thought of me turning 20 next year? yuck. next year, when somebody asks me how old i am, i think i'll just say that im "twenteen" haha. corny. oh, what the hell. just bear with me. the weather is freakin ugly and here we are at the mala-alaskang-lamig na computer lab doing some shitty activity in the computer. i'll be back later.. mr. professor is here...

a mind-blowing EARTHQUAKE

2004-09-16T15:50:00.000+04:00

\\ms. avi
today at around 2.30 am, while my roomates and i were drowning in our own deep sleep, we felt that something's moving and shaking. but we just ignored it thinking that maybe one of us is just moving in her bed (we share bunk beds so if one of us moved, the other one will feel the movement). but the moving became intense and then suddenly, the glass windows are making weird noises as well. then anne who is sleeping at the bottom bunk near the windows broke the silence and said "guys, umuuga.." and then she yelled; "guys, lumilindol!" and then reality hit us like a big, scary truck, and suddenly we were all scrambling and running for the door. all i could say was "shit! shit! shit". in a split-second time, my mind suddenly stopped. my mother and my sister came into my mind, next are my friends who are living alone like me, who's family are all in abu dhabi as well. then i also thought that if the building would crash, what would i bring with me? my floor plans and plates and my other academic stuff? my laptop? my toothbrush(what the fuck?)...my mind was going crazy at that moment, and then i was back to reality again when rachel accidentally pushed me when we're on the stairs. all i had with me was my phone. i sent text messages to my sister, my mom and to some of my friends. no one replied. maybe they didnt notice the earthquake or maybe it didn't even reached their place. but whatever. i was freakin scared. putragis, i have never been this scared in my whole life. i thought we're gonna be stuck in the building. downstairs at our dorm's parking area, some of the girls are already there too. some of them are still sleepy, some are laughing and smoking, some looked serious and are about to cry, some just sat silently on the pavement. we were all there downstairs wearing our pajamas, boxers, robes, nighties and fluffy slippers waiting for something to happen. the manager of the building isn't living there and the guard and watchmen is no use either. looking at all my dormates, i suddenly felt like we were in an orphanage or something. we are all here in a middle of a crisis and we are away from our family. i know deep inside that we are all waiting for some assurance, some security, some kind word from a caring adult saying "everything will be alright"... but no one was there for all of us. its just..us. just a bunch of girls living in a dorm. all alone. that silence between us said it all: no matter what happens, tyo tayo lang nandito. tayo tayo na lang din magtutulungan. 20 minutes have already gone after the lindol, and some of us became sleepy again, some became hyper. some thought that we were all over-reacting, some cant get over of the shock they felt. my roomates and i decided to go back again in our room to continue our interrupted sleep. but i know most of us didn't sleep. because i did not. i was just staring blankly at the ceiling. im not praying but im thinking. thinking deep about my life, and if it was worthy enough to live.

later this afternoon, we were all joking about the earthquake and how scared we are when we were running downstairs heading for the main door of the building. raissa and anne shared that before they went back to sleep, they prayed hard. haha. i told them that i didn't fell asleep that fast as well. i told them i was thinking crazy thoughts. this experience was really something else...it made us all realize how easily we could die without any warning...

its true when they say that God works in mysterious ways. i have been neglecting God for the longest time---i was not going to church like i used to and worse, i was not praying at all anymore. that night i realised that i needed that lindol to wake the hell out of me. i needed that lindol to make me realize that life is fragile-we are just hanging on a breathe. HE can take away our lives just like that. i realised that i was not the person God wants me to be, and that i've been wasting my time in foolish and wrong doings, and neglecting my duties as a christian. i realised that the most important thing to me is my family, and that they were the first persons who popped in my mind, and i've never felt this urge to be with them right here, right now. i've never felt this surge of love before, and that i wanted to be home.

okay, its not that im gonn turn into a monk or a ghandi wannabe or something. im still avi. and i will probably continue to party till the wee hours of the night(no doubt.). but im just happy because this morning, i saw a light. i saw a direction pointing to the "right" way. changing isn't overnight. but you know what, i will try. i'll bring back the good old avi. and i miss her. with the help of God, my family and friends, i know i'll be fine. and may i conclude that this morning, that earthquake scared the fuck out of me, but right now, i can say that it was the most beautiful experience i've ever had in years. it awakened my soul.. (",)

avi the great. but not that great..

2004-09-15T16:44:00.000+04:00

\\ms. avi\ tantanantanan! another episode of avi's hectic and restless adventures!! (",) morning, just the usual theology class, communication arts and computer. nothing much happened. oh, except that i finished my major computer project for like 15 min..haha..lunch, again, i committed the sin i usually commit. gluttony. man, i eat like a pig. i eat whatever comes into my mind. i just ate siomais, carbonara, tarts, brownies, and some biscuits i found in our ref. urp! later after that i went to to CEU with my sister to help her with her college thing and also to meet up with rami and tin. grabeh i nver knew that university belt could be so congested and...madumi. parang...ewan basta parang dami tao. anyways the applying-signing-and test-scheduling was done early so we went back here in estrada again and i left my sis for her to check her mail and other stuff, and i went back to school for my audition. yes, i auditioned for the school's glee club. i miss singing and i dont have any particular orgs this semester. i hope i passed. i hope my "amazing grace" has charmed the maestro. haha. at about 6pm, i went to starbucks to meet nicole. im surprised to see that she has a new guy friend. and take note, he's not just a guy. he's an extraordinary guy(or not?)..basta, he's 22, from benilde, good-looking, loves to blog, never had a girlfriend. plus he's name is kiwi. nice. told u he's extraordinary. too good to be true. haha. hmmmm.. then it was all blah-blah chika about nicole's coming debut party in club filipino in greenhills. lapit na nga e sa oct 2 na...she really had a hard time planning and making list of only 30 friends. tsk tsk, poor nicky.. anyways after that, its another pig meal in kenny rogers with nicole of course..urp!..i can still taste the chiken and the butter mushroom in my mouth *drools* ...its already 10pm and right this moment, im having a nice chat on msn messenger with my mom, ejay and adrian--all at the same time. and its okay, i think by fast typing on this comp keyboard im burning some fat ( hello??? burning some fat? baka gaining more fat because of countinous sitting! haha) well.. have to end this now, its getting pretty late.. till my next blog..*burps*

*thinks* hmmmm..how will i ever control my eating habits before i turn into a big, fat and unhealthy person? kaya ko bang kontrolin sarili ko? nah... dont think so..man, i cant live without food!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cant cant cant cant cant cant..

a quick backtrack..

2004-09-14T17:09:00.000+04:00

\\ms. avi\ havent blogged in here for quite a while.. well, heres a quickie bout what happened to me for the last few days.. ummmm..lemme see....friday: planned to watch muziclaban but it turned out na super jampacked un venue so we decided to go to greenbelt instead. nothing much happened, we just stuffed ourselves at dinner in krocodile grill and after that, went clubbing and then later after that, went to temple to drink.. and did we get drunk? i wont tell. just look at the pictures and see for yoursleves. saturday morning: slept till 12pm and then eventually woke up to fulfill my "ate" duties. i have to attend sherine's debut with my sister. so we went. and did we had a great time? yes of course. saturday 11.45pm right after sherine's debut, went straight to julie ann and jp's condo to sleepover(because we cant sleepover at sherine's bec all of her kamag-anak will be sleepingover as well, and its too late for her to go to laguna and she cant sleep at my dorm either)...the next best and practical place is there. so we went and what a bad timing. jp is there sleeping. i know, people sleep and its ordinary but is it also ordinary when you see a girl at his side? yep. he's god-knows-what girlfriend is sleeping next to him. what a night. and jp's reaction? well he was shocked to see me. anyways i went there to sleep, not to talk about his girlfriend and their rather "quick" relationship. i just ignored them and slept. im too young to be losyang bec of kunsumisyon. sunday: woke up at around 9am and cooked breakfast with julie ann and her cousin. ay i didnt cook pala, i just watched them cook. haha. and then it was a feast of champorado(naparami luto nila)... after the bountiful breakfast, i cant stand jp's girlfriend so my sister joy, julie ann and i decided to watch a movie in rp..."the terminal" starring tom hanks. its a good thing the movie was nice..pampawla ng badtrip...hehe.. after the movie, a quick snack at kfc and then it was my ate duty again and i dropped my sis to the sakayan to batangas. whew. what a hectic week.

but am i happy? well, yes. have i been productive? er-maybe? have i visited the house of God? no. why? guess im too busy? or too lazy? yea, busy. busy with nonsense stuff like partying. what the hell's wrong with me? oh my bestfriend leeann, i need you!!!! i need that reviving talk or else im gonna go crazy!!!!!

2004-09-14T17:03:00.000+04:00

dinner at krocodile grill

2004-09-14T17:02:00.000+04:00

jomai, avi, mai, ate and bea getting drunk at temple bar, greenbelt...hik hik! lashing na ba?? "but officer, i swear to drunk im not god!" nyahahahahahahahaha

2004-09-14T16:58:00.000+04:00

avi,jomai,bea@krocodile's

2004-09-14T16:57:00.000+04:00

sherine's debut//joy,avi,sherine

2004-09-14T16:55:00.000+04:00

avijomai at krocodile grill

2004-09-14T16:52:00.000+04:00

april girls// jomai and avi at greenbelt makati// just finished watching "the notebook".. see the tears in their eyes? lol..(",)

2004-09-14T16:50:00.000+04:00

cab scene

2004-09-14T16:48:00.000+04:00

pinai and china in mc home depot pasong tamo makati

absolutely clueless

2004-09-10T06:44:00.000+04:00

\\ms. avi\ have i been sleepwalking for the past few days? maybe. bakit parang di ko alam mga nangyayari sa paligid ko? am i a turning into a zombie person? kasi for the past few days i've been recieving shocking news. well, not that shocking, guess im just over reacting. its just that everytime i'll go to school, my classmate will ask me "hey nagawa mo na ba yun proj?" and i was like, "huh? anong project?", and my mom said na "oi uuwi ako sa october", and ako naman "baket?", and another example is i've just learned that im included in sherine's (my former school mate back in abu dhabi) 18 candles in her debut. guess when? TOMORROW!!! damn it! am i beginning to have a short-term memory loss problem or am i just too fucking lazy to know what was happening around me? is this the result of too many burgers, chocolates and other junk foods that i keep on feeding my very happy and willing mouth, or is this the result of too much partying and less praying? i know.. maybe its because of the way-too-much plate making in school. nah, i dont think so. i love my work in school. well i guess its because of my smoking. maybe all that smoke went into my head already. gotta stop now. but i cant. i just cant.. currently. i cant live without it. tsk tsk tsk.. and i think that is bad.

i have to go now and think of what to wear at sherine's party... blog u later..

unfair grading?

2004-09-08T07:02:00.000+04:00

\\ms. avi\ we've just recieved our midterm grades in computer and i was a little dissapointed. i got a B+ because i graded myself low. okay, confusing ba? this is what happened: my prof told us to rate and grade ourselves in our past activities. i have always been taught by my parents and my bestfriends and the other influential persons in my life to be FAIR. and i have been fair. way too fair pa nga. i rated myself 3 (the highest is 5 lowest is 1). so when the grades came, i didn't know that the grades that we gave ourselves will be the main grade that we'll have in midterm performance. i know i did a lousy job on the past performances so i deserve a 3,and i aslo know that we all did a lousy "bahala na" job on this. thats why i was shocked to see my other clasmates who got A+ and the other students who did their best and still remained humble enough to rate themselves like 4 or 3, and still, they got Bs.

but the most depressing part of this story is when m prof told us to stop whining and be contented with our grades bec we are the oneswho did this. he said that its not you being humble, it is what you want. know what u want and go get it. (for me it was a greedy statement.)

im now in a dilemma. should i follow my prof and be the greedy biatch and rate myself 5 even if i
sucked on my project, or be the "avi" that i know who is just, fair and happy when she gets the grade that she deserves? gotta go now and think.. i'll get back to this later..

a heart warming text from my bestfriend and a loving chat with mom--that definitely made my day!

2004-09-07T18:02:00.000+04:00

\\ms. avi\ upon waking up this morning, i bumped into the bathroom door and hit my elbow. on the way to school, i was running madly because i thought i was late nanaman, only to find out that my prof isnt on our classroom yet, and i was hingal na hingal. leche. next class-mechanical drawing. i love this subject but sometimes my prof makes me crazy. i can feel that my eyes were dropping kanina and i just want to bury my head down and sleep. i was really drowsy i txted my bestfriend leeann. i told her i stopped dating this guy (i wont mention his name), and her reply was a simple "i miss u".. it really made me smile bec i miss her too.. as in sobra.. i miss our long spiritual talks. if theres a person who can understand me more than anyone else, its leeann. oh and my mom nga din pala. hehe. i just wanted to see her that very moment and have that "talk".. well, we sorta had a girly chika but thru text nga lang.. hehe but it was fun..
next class, PE. it was cancelled for some reasons. but i dont wanna know why, im just glad it was cancelled. i went home and slept! yahoo! a dream come true..babaw no?

anwyays its 9pm and im currently having a conversation with my mom in msn messenger. she has not changed a bit. nope. she's still the "sermon mom".. but i love her.. even though we argue a lot over small things, she has been the strength in me. she keeps me going on with my life with her motherly advices. i wish i could just fast forward my life so that i would be in the position where i'll be the one who's taking care of her, and i promise i'd give my all. she has always been there for me and my sister. she's one of the main reasons im alive-and she will be the reason for me to continue with my life and be the person she expects me to be. this is getting too personal and way too dramatical. i better stop. its already 11 pm and im just in the net cafe nearby my dorm. my life is at risk! haha.. later..

the freakin field trip

2004-09-07T17:41:00.000+04:00

i previously mentioned that we're gonna have a field trip right? well, im expecting an exciting "fun day" that day but guess what happened? because of a li'l mistake my professor made about the location, everything went crazy. tangina..
okay, we had the usual boring class in the morning. and then after that we had a fast lunch in jollibee(yea yea, i know, yuck right? but hey-their chicken is great!) haha, well we have no choice: we were broke and we were late. after that we bargained for an FX to agree for a payment of 200 bucks dalhin nia lang kame sa makati(and abonado pa ko).. anyways we got there in one piece. waited a few minutes for our prof to arrive(she said to wait a little bec she was still having her lunch) then we waited still.. hanggang ubos na pasensya.. we called her up.. she said she was already at the main entranc of MC home Depot, we also said that we are in the entrance as well. she said she's in mc home depot pasong tamo. we said we're in mc home depot in the fort makati. nalintikan na..
what happened next? dont ask. we just waited for a cab for like, 10 years? nakngputah. talk about giving the "right directions".. leche.. pero im glad we finally got into our destination. but too bad our so-called field trip lasted for only an hour.. sayang..
ayways: lessons learned? BE SPECIFIC IN GIVING DIRECTIONS, never wear a black outfit when its freaking hot outside and never, ever expect to hear a simple "thank you" from your friends even though u paid 20% of the cab fair---because it will only break your heart. nice persons easily get hurt by simple things, and i guess i was hurt by that simple incident. believe me. im not expecting them to pay tribute to me or treat me as a god because i paid a big amount in the sharing, but man, it was pretty sad not hearing a simple thank-you. and maybe if i told them na "oi la manlang thanks?", i know what will be their initial reaction: that im mukang pera. so wag na lang. anyways ganito yata sa pinas. gamitan lang. when will i learn?

ayos! im now an early bird!

2004-09-06T04:44:00.000+04:00

nakana. ako ba ito? my class is 9am but im already here in school ng 8.10! wow.. maybe im turning into a new leaf. pero di pa naman new year para magbago ah? hehe. oh well. im glad my proffessor wont scold me today for being late. hehe. well gotta go now, just dropped by to read some news on the net and to write a short blog in here as well.. catch u later.. oh and by the way, were going for a small field trip later in boysen paints. maybe they'll teach us to paint or something. makes me wonder--we're interior designers right? i thought we're supposed to hire painters to the job and not us. oh well, we'll see.. i'll make kwento after the field trip.. ta ta!

i hope i don't fall in love with you

2004-09-05T13:10:00.000+04:00

\\well here's a nice song that i like. its by tom waits, and old jazz singer.. heard this song from the radio and in the movie "prince and me".. thought u guys would like to read the lyrics.. and download it.. u wont be dissapointed..(",) this song is perfect for some quiet sweet dance with ur loved ones.. nice tlga..

Well, I hope that I don't fall in love with you
'Cause fallin' in love just makes me blue
When the music plays and you display
your heart for me to see
I had a beer and now I hear
you callin' out for me
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you
Well, the room is crowded, people everywhere
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?
Well, if you sit down with this old clown,
take that frown and break it.
Before the evening's gone away,
I think that we could make it.
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you
Well, the night does funny things inside a man
These old tom-cat feelings you don't understand
Well, I turn around to look at you,
you light a cigarette
I wish I had the guts to bum one,
but we've never met.
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you
I can see that you are lonesome just like me,
and it being late, you'd like some company
Well, I turn around to look at you,
and you look back at me
The guy you're with has up and split,
the chair next to you is free
And I hope that you don't fall in love with me
It's closin' time... the music's fadin' out
last call for drinks, I'll have another stout
well I turn around to look at you,
You're nowhere to be found
I search the place for your lost face,
guess I'll have another round.
And I think that I just fell in love with you

busy.. busy.. busy..

2004-09-05T11:41:00.000+04:00

its been a crazy week. im working multiple jobs right now: a student, a sister, a"yaya" to my sister, an errand girl, a friend, a lousy date partner, a lousy friend, and just a lousy person. damn. i want to tear myself up and be in two places at one time; one is to help my sis to get into a uni, and the other to be the "bachelor avi" who loves to partya and just be..free. the moment my sister came here in pinas last last week, i knew my social life would come to an end. well, not exactly dead but mejo,nabawasan. and its not that im complaining. of course not. i love my sis so much and i'd drop everything to be with her.. but its just so..hard. well, forgive me for whining, its maybe bec i still couldnt accept the fact that i now have the responsibilty of taking care of my 17 yr old sister. hay...

well, kwento muna.. in school.. it's still the normal shit. we do our plates and have it checked by our meticoulous proffessors. and the crowd? still an all-girl uni. kakasawa. i miss the company of boys. thats why im really happy hanging out with my guy friends when we have the chance to get together..

last wed and thurs was all about helping my sis with her uni matters. duty ko yun. im the big sis. cant get away from it. im stuck to it.. but im happy..

last friday i went out with nicole and her boyfriend chris. we planned to have dinner in mexicali but the shitty waiter kept on ignoring us. so we shifted to tokyo tokyo instead and ate the same old teriyaki meal. hehe. then we headed to jomai's condo. and sobrang malas, the fucking elevator isnt working so we used the stairs instead. we had the pleasure of climbing the 6 horrific flights up to jomai's place. YIKES! kakahingal. and when we got to jomai's place, the AC isnt installed yet pa pala, so we all shared the glorious hot air coming out from the single electric fan that they have in their place. nice :-( but the important thing is i saw jomai again..my long lost friend..it turned out to be a pretty mini reunion for the both of us..hehe..

yesterday, i went with jomai to watch "the notebook". we're supposed to meet nicole and his brother in rockwell but decided wag na lang bec they'll just be staying for dinner, and jomai and i wanted to gimmick and stay up late pa naman. so to kill time before gimmick time (it was only 7.30pm), we watched the notebook in glorietta muna. my say about this movie? it was cheesy but nice. i like it. another story of a true and endless love that can create miracles. i wondered when will it happen to me? lol.. and after that we went to greenbelt to have some coffee and to wait for bea and charles to pick us up. it was a long wait but a worthwile one. jomai and i had a really nice talk about life. we needed a lot of catching up to do and that night it was all fulfilled. we had a great girl talk. then came came bea and charles and off we wen to eastwood. it was already 2am. we went to blue onion and man, the place was kickin! puno sobra. anyways, as we are about to enter, i saw a guy i used to know and date-and hate. my mood changed and suddenly i wanted to go home. that asshole really destroyed my night. before i went home, jomai and bea walked me to mc cafe and i told them bout this guy. they said its okay but i dont want them to hate me for my ugly mood so i just decided to go home instead. i dont want to spoil their night din so,uwi na lang me. before i hailed a cab, i ordered a choco pie to go. i ate it in the cab and it made me happy. babaw no? anak ng puta, choco pie lang pala soulution. nyahaha. i was so beat when i got to my dorm, i didnt even brushed my teeth. tulog kagad. 4 am na..

so today is sunday, i woke up at around 2pm with a stinkin breath, and without having any breakfast or lunch, i headed straight to the net cafe to surf the net.l. la lang. so un.. till here muna.. hope something nice and exciting will happen today.. hehe.. l8r! oh..i just got a txt from nicky. nasa g4 daw sila ni gino.. hmmm.. punta kaya ako? whatever. bahala na.. di pa ko naliligo e.. haha.. eeeewww..

currently watching a robo-flick.

2004-09-01T07:12:00.000+04:00

potah. another boring class in computer. imgine, we have to do this fancy resume shit and put our entire lives in there as if we're gonna apply for a job tomorrow! anu ba.. so here i am writing to you oh my faithful diary.. i mean, blogspot. nyahaha. at the same time we're watching a film about robotic enhancements. wohoo! what an interesting subject. not! i would like to watch something interesting. like spongebob squarepants the movie. huh?!!! WAKE UP AVI!!! OH NO..my brain is turned into a limp noodle already. anak ng pating..

i dunno. im not like this before. im a goody-good good kind of girl.. bwisit kasi weather kakaantok, kung ano ano tuloi pumapasok sa isip mo.. hehe.. neways, catch u later, i have to watch this film or else i wont be able to answer my proffessor if he happens to ask me. ta-ta!! :-)

www.friendster.com

2004-09-01T07:06:00.000+04:00

www.friendster.com - add me and lets continue this friendster madness! aaaaaaarrrggghhhh kaka addict leche!

rainy day

2004-08-31T13:08:00.000+04:00

another rainy day. this morning, i had trouble waking up. but what else is new? anyways i got to school before the bell rang so its okay. a good start. we had a quiz and i think my quiz sucked big time. anyways, on our next class, mechanical drawing, i was so hyper that i finshed our activity faster that anyone else. i've completed the floor plans with 4 elevations(a really mahirap task for a freshie) within the subject hours only. i dunno what came into me. maybe its because of the pork asado roll, choco banana cake and the red tea that i ate. whatever. im happy my work is over. then came PE, it was cancelled because there's no radio available. we were about to be taught taebo(yikes!) its a good thing there's no radio. oh well. now its raining and i cant go home, so here i am. blogging in the cyber nook in our campus. what a boring life. cant wait for friday already. then its party night! yahoo! hehe.. later..

2004-08-30T18:56:00.000+04:00

best buds at seattle's best coffee
Posted by Hello

2004-08-30T18:55:00.000+04:00

chinay and pinay
Posted by Hello

2004-08-30T18:52:00.000+04:00

orange
Posted by Hello

2004-08-30T18:51:00.000+04:00

swing
Posted by Hello

2004-08-30T18:50:00.000+04:00

pals
Posted by Hello

2004-08-30T18:48:00.000+04:00

me..
Posted by Hello

2004-08-30T18:44:00.000+04:00

2004-08-30T18:42:00.000+04:00

tin and avi

my first blog. ever.

2004-08-30T17:15:00.000+04:00

i never imagined in my whole life that i'll be posting my life here in the net for everyone to see. but, i can see many of my friends are doing it and i thought, hey, maybe its not so bad. the problem is i dont have a net connection in my place. (im currently living in an all-girls' dorm) sure i've got my newley upgraded laptop with me, but living here in manila, man, internet is expensive! (not to mention s-l-o-w) so here i am at a cheap net cafe, starting my own blogspot. and im enjoying it. i think.